You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro; He bustles about but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it. ---Psalm 39:4-6
I've had a really good week - the most I've felt consistently good in a long time - months - I can't even remember when. You would think that if I had half a brain in my head I would rejoice and do everything just like God would want me to, coming off a week like this one. But I failed miserably yesterday and the Psalm above came haunting me last night.
I felt good yesterday... I didn't spend the day loving on my kids and enjoying every feel-good minute with my family. I piddled around in the heat and wore myself out. To the point that in the evening all I could do was dismiss my kids and tell them to shush so I could watch American Idol that I had DVR'd (even tho I know who won). I feel despicable even sharing that with anyone. I've apologized twice to my children already and reassured them that they are much more important to me than American Idol. That is so sad that I would have to even say that to them. I am embarrassed and ashamed.
After all I've been through, after all God has been teaching me, after all the promises I made to myself of what I would do when I got well... I blew it.
When I think of a "phantom," I think of a mindless, senseless, meaningless, formless being. And that's what I was yesterday. It's ridiculous to be given the chance I had yesterday after MONTHS of illness and hours of being bed-ridden and fritter it away. I hope that everyone reading this will reassess the priorities of life. I hope that everyone reading this will hold me accountable every time you see me to make sure that I am not "vainly bustling to and fro." It's sooooo easy to do - work, dishes, laundry, chauffeuring, tball, gymnastics, school and any other activity we can cram into our lives. It is true that some things have to be tended to. But a lot of things do not... or at least not with the sense of urgency and importance that we place on them.
Have you ever ended a day, week, month, year and said, "I sure wish I had spent more time on the Internet, or playing with my iPad, or watching TV, or getting my kids involved in another sport, etc?" We never regret that we didn't spend more time doing these things, yet these are the things that suck us in and steal our time. I've often said at the end of a time period - "I wish I had spent more time with God, my kids, my husband, volunteering here or there." So if we look back wishing we'd done things differently, why don't we???? I've had a LOT of time to think about this over the last few months. It all comes down to a conscious, ongoing, Spirit-led decision to make changes - and we have to do it EVERY DAY.
My fervent prayer is that I will no longer "vainly bustle about to and fro" and it is going to be a daily struggle for me as I get well. I'm such a perfectionist and have severe OCD, so I will have to fight my nature every day. I don't feel that great today and I truly believe that God is reminding me that as easily as He can give me a good day to make the most of, He can present a bad day that keeps me humble and dependent on Him and remind me of what's important. I still believe that I will be in complete remission of this disease soon. But I also believe this "thorn" will always be present and something God will use for the rest of my life to keep my attention.
Please learn from my horrible example and don't waste the time you're given. Make the activities in your life count. Don't live a "phantom life, bustling to and fro in vain."
Thank you for your continued prayers and support. As you can see, I still desperately need them!!!!!! I know this post wasn't really an update as much as it was a conviction that I had to share.