Waiting

How long, O LORD?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me...  But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.  --Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6

(SIGH)... I have read and reread this verse over and over again for the past few days.  I'll get to why in a little while...

FIRST, I have some wonderful things to be VERY thankful for and I'll start with that.  In a recent post, I asked for prayer to get me through some activities during the last few weeks of school... I made ALL of them!  Field day, taking a cookie cake for the kids' birthday and awards day.  I also survived their sixth birthday party this past Saturday, which wasn't a prayer request, but should have been!  It was a very dizzy day and for a while I thought I might not make it, but GOD is so good and I was able to go and be part of the fun!  Thank you for the prayer and support!!!

6th Birthday Party

I am very thankful for those wonderful opportunities but I am also very conflicted about some things right now also.  It hasn't been a great week.  Last Tuesday was a really good day b/c I felt good.  BUT THEN... at 2 am Wednesday morning I woke up with a migraine.  And the short version is, it knocked me back and down for about 4 days.  I couldn't go to therapy Thursday morning I was so bad and I wasn't very functional the latter part of the week.  It's almost like it had a vertigo-attack effect on me.  The vertigo attacks leave me in the bed for a day or more and had I acted properly I should have stayed in bed for a few days to recover from the migraine.  Anyway, it got me really down b/c it's like the therapy never happened.  Although I STILL haven't had a vertigo attack (big praise), I'm still not well and feel back to square one.

The Psalm above has been so relevant b/c I feel like I continue to seek God and cry out but I'm just stuck - not getting well.  I think my awareness of my inability to function is heightened right now b/c the kids are out of school and I am so upset that their summer may keep them home-bound.  Although God revealed to me this morning that in His plans, Beau & Lydia's world will not end if they don't go, go, go all summer.  Not to sound insensitive but in the work God is trying to do, it doesn't matter much in His big schemes if my kids have the summer of a lifetime in 2012.

And my biggest struggle of all deals with healing.  I have adamantly and consistently believed (and still do) that God is going to restore me 100%.  I know He will take away the vertigo, dizziness, swimminess, attacks, panic and anxiety.  I don't know when, but I believe He will.  The big question is... will He do it in a divine way or will He do it through modern medicine?  I have been holding out for my therapy to be the means but as the days, weeks, months pass by I wonder if I should pursue the shots or surgery I previously mentioned.  I am seeking and praying diligently for some direction on what to do.  I have been holding out for the "divine" healing but now am considering other options.   For a while I thought the other options were my human way of making things happen on my own time, but I realized that cancer patients don't usually sit back and wait; they pursue treatments to help heal them.

I'm just torn.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do... keep waiting and living like I am... or pursue one of these medical options.  Please pray diligently over the next couple of weeks that I will know without question how to move forward.  Please pray for peace that I can rest knowing that if I'm not to seek treatment that I will continually remember that my kids are not suffering any harm this summer if I remain home-bound.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for keeping up with me and for your prayers.  I will never, EVER be able to express my gratitude!