Thursday, August 9, 2012

Journal Entries

As a Human Resources Professional, a common saying in my career has been “Document, document, document!”  It’s a well-known catch-phrase in the HR community.  In order to accurately review an employee’s history and performance, we rely on the written record to help us.  In any type of employment case, it’s the first thing attorneys ask for… “the file.”

It’s a great practice to have in life too.  I had always felt an urge to start a journal but until last fall, resisted.  God convicted me to the point of action and my journal’s first entry was on 9/19/11… less than a month before my Meniere’s Disease.  It was great timing because I have this “furnace of affliction” season documented from the very beginning.  I was reading through old journal entries today and wanted to share a few that I wrote along the way (these are small excerpts from my writings).  Months and months later the things I wrote are just as convicting and compelling to me as they were back then…

December 28, 2012
Psalm 46:10 - "Be still & know that I am God..."  I am still deep in the battle on my Meniere's.  I may never know why but I need to know what... to do... What does God want to teach me through it?  I will not be defeated.  I will not allow this condition to ruin my life, my family, my walk, my witness.  And it is going to be a daily fight.

January 22, 2012
I wonder if God wants me to blog about Meniere's - can he use my story to bring hope to others - hope where there doesn't seem to be much.  There is so much negative info on the web - perhaps God could use my situation to encourage others & REVEAL HIS GLORY!  Lord, please give me confirmation, affirmation, courage to do this - I do not want to undertake something that will not honor you or that you don't support.  God, give me the direction to take with this.
(I thought it was neat to include this one since anyone reading now obvioulsy knows that I did follow through on this - although it took a few months!)

January 29, 2012
In the turning points of my life – my darkest hours – He has ALWAYS been faithful to do even a greater work than what I could imagine.  Through the pain of moving to Monroe He has given me powerful friendships & an amazing community to raise my kids.  Through infertility He has given me two perfect children.  Through Meniere’s Disease, He has given me _____________. (I can’t wait to fill in the blank!)  Because of who God is, His love for me, His promise of grace, His proven track-record, I know that this illness will not beat me & that in fact it will make me stronger.  I know this hurt has already passed through God’s hands & He will use it in a mighty way.

March 21, 2012
At this point I am not a fully-functional:
wife, mom, employee, servant, member of society, friend
The only thing I can fully do these days is worship – spend time with God.  I am very thankful for this opportunity.  Without this illness, I would not be in the word or talking nearly as often with my Father.  He is revealing Himself to me.

April 2, 2012
Mom came over & asked how I was… the floodgates opened & I cried & cried.  Then mom said something very wise – maybe I should stop praying as much for healing, but should pray more for God to help me to cope with the condition of my body --- the more I think about that the more it makes sense.  That’s exactly the place Paul was in 2 Corinth. 12:7-10.  If I can function every day with Meniere’s – if God gives me His power to do it, then my testimony is much stronger.  I can tell people I have a life-altering disease that I live with daily & they’ll say How?! – And I can give glory to God through it.
(Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ---2 Corinthians 12:7-10) 

May 2, 2012
Still waiting for my miracle! I know I’m at this place of complete brokenness so that there is NO question that God is responsible when healing comes.  I truly believe with all my heart that I could wake up tomorrow fully restored – no pressure, no attacks, no dizziness, swimming, fog, anxiety or fear.  I believe that with all my heart.  I really feel when God calls me out of the wilderness it will be to complete restoration.  I know these days won’t last forever.

May 13, 2012
Brokenness – For when I am weak, then I am strong.  I realize that in my moments of weakness, I have to really ask for God’s strength.  I can’t just sit & ask for healing or wallow in how bad I feel.  I have to turn how bad I feel into an opportunity to be filled with the power of the Holy Spirit.  It’s when I’m empty & weak that the spirit has room to move in.

July 23, 2012
The kids have been angels the last few days – playing & minding.  I am so blessed.  Last nite the kids were watching TV & I was reading my bible.  Beau said, “Will you read me the story of Adam & Eve?”  We turned off the TV & read – THAT moment makes life worth it!  J

August 3, 2012
As we wind down this summer & look ahead to school, I am so grateful for this slower pace we've enjoyed.  It's given me a chance to believe that we don't have to live in the "fast lane" to have a full life - a lesson for which I am extremely grateful.

There will be more entries, more notes, feelings, prayers, cries.  I am so glad for God’s direction to begin writing.  It is such a help to see where I’ve been and to hear my own thoughts about where I’m going!  We all have seasons in life that lead us deeper into times of study and worship.  We all have seasons that we feel peace and contentment.  We all have (or will have) seasons that place us in the wilderness, searching to find our God who loves us and will restore us.  What an awesome opportunity “document, document, document” gives us to go back and see the tracks of our past and record our hopes for the future. 

A praise... my ENT doctor who left the area a few months back has a replacement doc.  He is an ENT medical doctor AND has his Ph.D. in Vestibular Neuroscience (he specializes in the evaluation of patients with dizziness and equilibrium issues).  I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to meet him and establish me as a patient with him!

Thank you all for your continued love and support.  It is so amazing to hear back from you and to get all of your love and encouragement.  It is one of the things that I thank God for specifically.   

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