Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Still So Confused

I am writing through tears this afternoon.  I want my life back.  It may not be the same life and that's ok, just some semblance of one.  My family and I went to church on Sunday - we left before the preaching started - I couldn't make it through.  I had to call a friend to drive me and the kids to their dentist appointment yesterday b/c I couldn't take them alone.  Jonathan is on his way home early today to drive me to counseling b/c I can't get myself there.  Yesterday again, for the what seemed liked the millionth time I told my kids that I couldn't take them to McDonald's for lunch b/c I had to lay down and I couldn't drive them there.  I've cancelled my bi-annual dentist appointment 4x b/c of something related to my Meniere's.  The last 2 nights in a row I couldn't tuck my kids into bed.  There is a big family event I want to attend this weekend but unless a miracle happens in the next few days I won't be able to - so while Jonathan and the kids go I'll stay home alone.  I've promised Lydia all summer that I would take her for a pedicure.  I've promised Beau I would take him to Toys R Us so he could spend a birthday gift card.  They ask me almost every day "when?" and every day I tell them, "I can't today.  I'm so sorry." I know all of this probably seems extremely petty and trivial, but it all adds up over time.  I'm sick of it.

What's so completely frustrating is that I know there are procedures available that will make all of this go away.  So the question is, "Then why don't you do that?"  And the answer is, "I don't know".  Truly I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I want to allow God all the time He needs to work and if I do one of these procedures have I allowed Him that?  Trust me, I've been told and thought numerous times of the story of the man who drowns in a flood and doesn't take the helicopter or boat that comes along b/c he's "waiting for God to save him" and when he gets to heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I sent a helicopter and a boat.  What more were you hoping for?"

This morning I was reading in Isaiah about the Messiah:
Yet it was the LORD'S will to crush him and cause him to suffer...
After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied.  --- Isaiah 53:10-11

This may be controversial but I do believe that sometimes it is God's will to crush us and cause us to suffer (not allow it like He did Job, but cause it as the scripture above says).  It's how he breaks us and if he did it to His only begotten son, surely he would do it to me, his adopted daughter.  And I know he doesn't do it out of spite, malice or ill-will.  He does it out of love.  He wants me to the best me I can be and unless he gets my attention that will never happen.  He gets my attention through the crushing and the suffering!

The wait for the Mayo clinic is 4-6 months.  I am beginning the process anyway and still praying for my miracle in the meantime.  I also am praying for some peace or guidance regarding the shots that will kill my nerve.  I'm not considering surgery b/c it is so drastic, but the toxic shots that should take away the dizziness are becoming more and more viable to me.  I am still sticking with my vestibular rehab therapy (VRT) too b/c I believe it has helped a LOT.  I'm just having to push myself every day b/c I'm already dizzy and the therapy makes me dizzy.  It's like forcing yourself to eat pizza after you've just thrown up, you know?  Is that a bad analogy?  I don't know; I can't think straight!

Even through my tears, I know God has a plan.  Please pray along with me that my role in His plan (whether to be reactive or passive) becomes crystal clear to me.  Thank you for all of your love and support - it is life to me!

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