Friday, June 22, 2012

The Roller Coaster

So, the ride continues... after a couple of really good weeks - driving again and being more "normal" I am back to dizzy and despondent, not driving and spending lots of time in bed.  I am having a hard time finding God in all of this... here's what's going on:

Last Thursday, June 14, I just didn't feel so great.  I chalked it up to a number of things and kind of dismissed it, but just knew something wasn't quite right. 

Friday I felt better but still not quite right. 

On Satuarday I woke on the verge of a migraine and some sinus pressure.  It was Beau's last t-ball game and I wasn't about to miss it.  So I went to the 4-inning double header in Saturday's heat - of course the sinus pressure and headache got worse.  But Beau hit 2 singles and a double so it was ALL worth it.  Anyway... I came home and from noon until Sunday morning stayed in bed. 

Sunday I got out of bed but was in and out of bed all day nursing the same migraine.  My teeth/cheeks/forehead were killing me so I assumed some horrible sinus infection had settled in (again) and that was the cause of it all. 

Monday wasn't great.

Tuesday wasn't great.  In fact on Tuesday I went to bed at 6:30 pm - staggered down the hall b/c I couldn't even walk straight - and took EXTRA anti-dizzy medicine and laid for TWO hours with the bed violently spinning.  I was extremeley nauseaus and got very, very close to a vertigo attack.  To say that I was bummed is a total understatement b/c I thought all of the violent spinning and vertigo was behind me.

On Wednesday I went to the doc and got a sinus x-ray.  I was certain the sinus x-ray would show all kinds of infection to explain why I was feeling SO bad from all of this and the dizziness was getting worse by the day. 

Thursday I went to therapy and couldn't do much b/c I almost fell over trying the simplist of exercises.  I got a call that afternoon that my x-ray was totally clear.  I was so hoping that would be the answer but it was not.

Today I am dizzy again.  I laid down for about an hour at 1 pm and the whole time I laid there I was just rotating around and around.

So, where does this leave me?  SCREAMING, CRYING, SEARCHING... I truly believed I had the worst behind me.  And though I expected some bumps in the road, this week+ of feeling so dizzy and seemingly getting worse is not good news.

I was mad at God yesterday.  But He and I talked at length today and I'm not angry anymore.  I am really sad and confused.  I truly believed that He was going to heal me completely without any additional medical treatments - and that still may happen; I believe that it can.  But I just can't understand why this setback (from a medical perspective it just doesn't "make sense."  There is no reason to explain why the dizziness is back or I can't feel well).  I guess that's why he tells us:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding ---Proverbs 3:5

I always get into trouble leaning on my own understanding!  And I look too closely at circumstances.  In the movie Soul Surfer (which I highly recommend watching), one of the the characters shows a picture to a group of students.  She asks the students to guess what this is (don't scroll down further than this picture until you've guessed):

Any guesses from you, readers????  What if I showed you this picture:

The first picture is the eye of the fly.  See what happens when we stop looking at a situation too closely and get the "big picture?"  It all becomes clear.  As humans, we can only see the fly's eye.  God sees the whole fly.  I have to trust that even though all I can see is the fly's eye that the fly is there and God knows EXACTLY what's going on with that fly!

In summary... I am back on full doses of my anti-dizzy medication and back to considering other options.  I checked with the Mayo clinic today and will very likely make an appointment there.  I'm not going there to have a procedure done or in the hopes they recommend a procedure.  I just want to get their perspective on my situation and their opinion on what my next step (if any) should be.  I am still sticking with vestibular rehab therapy (VRT).  I know that God sent me directly to VRT to get me so far ahead with my dizziness these past 8 weeks and I still believe it is invaluable.  My only concern is there may be something more causing more damage to my nerve that I'm not aware of.  The VRT is only going to work so long as my nerve isn't still under attack and continual damage.

Thank you for your continued love and support.  Please pray this dizziness will stop - completely, totally, 100%.  Please pray that God will give Jonathan and me peace as we consider visiting Mayo.  Please pray for details of that visit to be worked out so the trip is not stressful.  Please pray for Beau & Lydia as I am spending more time in bed again.  THANK YOU prayer partners.  Every time I ask for prayer I feel it - I feel overwhelmed with peace and support.  I know that is God working through all of you and I cannot thank you enough - truly and deeply from my heart.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.  ---Ephesians 6:18

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