First, the praise:
- Three months ago yesterday was my last full-on vertigo attack. That's a QUARTER of a year without one. Thank you, Jesus!
- I have gone NINE nights minus one medicine dose. So, that means I'm down to a very small amount of the medicine I'm trying to wean off! Please pray for me over the next few weeks that I will continue to cut down and completely get off of it.
- And finally, I spent TWO HOURS at a neighbors pool with my family on the 4th of July. This was the most social activity I have had in MONTHS!!!!! It's a praise but read on to find out "the rest of the story...."
This day was a not good at all. I drove Lydia and myself to West Monroe (30 minutes away) to physical therapy. I KNEW better. I didn't feel well before we left. Long story short - I had to call Jonathan to once again rescue me. He had to drop what he was doing to tote me home. He had to get his cousin (thank you Darryl) to take the time later to drive ALL THE WAY back to WM to pick up my car. My mom had to leave work and come straight over to keep the kids (again). And I spent the rest of the day in bed. It was a bad, bad day on Tuesday.
July 4, 2012
The plan for the day was to go to the neighbors at 3:00 to swim and grill out, then we were all taking the kids to the clubhouse for jumpers, face painting, fireworks, etc. I had pre-planned to only attend the pool party and let Jonathan take the kids to the other stuff.
Around noon I started feeling dizzy. And I got mad at God... REALLY, REALLY MAD. I just cried out, "God, why? Tell me why? What could your purpose possibly be for making me sit home feeling so dizzy while my family goes swimming, grilling and fire-working without me? It makes NO SENSE! It's ridiculous. There are so many deadbeats who can't care less what their children and spouses are doing. I WANT to be with my family. I don't understand! What could you possibly be doing in this?" I was begging God to show me, just give me a glimpse of His plan b/c I cannot understand it! I laid in bed because I was so tired and dizzy. And I felt Him say, "It's because I need you to be content in ANY circumstance. I don't need you to be content if you can be with your family. I need you to be content if it's my plan for you to stay home alone again." This verse came to mind as I drifted off to sleep:
Paul said, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." ---Philippians 4:11
I woke up around 2:00 - one hour till swim time. I felt a little better but I never really know until I get out of bed and start moving around. Before I got up, I prayed, "God, if I am well enough to go, thank you. Give me confirmation that I can go. Let me get up and feel good and not be indecisive about how I feel (physically). And if you don't want me to go, give me the peace to be home and be content."
I got up and felt better. At 3:15 we headed to our friends. I swam, I fixed my kids' hot dogs, I talked with friends, at one point someone said something so funny I laughed like I haven't in months (Jonathan said it was so awesome to hear me laugh), I ate a delicious hamburger and then Jonathan drove me home. He and the kids swam for a little while longer, came home, changed and went out till 10:00 watching fireworks.
I was soooooooooooooooooooo excited. And I feel like God had to get me to the place of not being able to go so that He could reveal some of His purpose to me. He didn't owe me that. He's God. His plans and ways are bigger and higher (Isaiah 55), but He chose to give me a glimpse, some confirmation that He does have purposes for everything that I'm going through.
It's still a roller-coaster. I will continue to have "David-moments" - it's the nature of the disease and the season that I'm in.
Yesterday, I Fed-Ex'd a HUGE package of paperwork to the Mayo Clinic; it will arrive there this morning. I was told that a doctor will review it "in his spare time" and determine my course of action so that my visit there is mapped out and efficient. I was told that's why the process can take 4-6 months. Please pray together with me that the paperwork will get in the right hands quickly, move through the system quickly and that I can get an appointment without waiting 4-6 months. I am willing to hang on and not do anything until I get an opinion from the doctors at Mayo, but 4-6 months more of this seems unbearable if I think of it today.
THANK YOU for all of your love and support. And thank you for giving me your input on what YOU would do in this situation. Just so you all know, most people (almost all) said they would exhaust every least invasive procedure/process they could before doing anything more severe. And that's what I had pretty much decided and what I'm content with... for TODAY anyway!