Same story, different week. So sorry! I still did not feel well most of the week, although I had some bright spots where I didn't feel just downright awful and I did make Beau's football game this Saturday (praising for that!). And I'm being bombarded by Satan's lies... "There's no cure." "This is your life." "You won't be able to do those things you miss with your family EVER again." "Blah, blah, blah." And sometimes I fall into his trap and sometimes I am strong and fend him off with all of the scripture rolling around in my head. As I've felt complete chaos around me, physically and emotionally, I went back to the most helpful book (besides God's Word) that I've read on this journey: The Fire of Delayed Answers by Bob Sorge. I want to share an excerpt that he wrote. I could try and summarize it, but he says it so perfectly that I will share his thoughts verbatim.
From The Fire of Delayed Answers by Bob Sorge, page 29
I used to think that God intended that we always have joy (as per Romans 14:17). I preached and practiced that, as I was quite stable in the joy of the Lord. And then I took a knockout punch. Suddenly I found myself with absolutely no joy. Somebody might say, "Bob, you still had joy. You just didn't understand that joy goes much deeper than feelings." No, I'm telling you, I had no joy. All I had was depression. I hadn't done anything to bring the depression on, and I couldn't do anything to get out of it. I had no kingdom joy, and yet I knew I was still in the kingdom. This forced me to wrestle with God and to adjust my "joy theology." Now I can see that a pruned vine doesn't feel any joy. I had a happy childhood, but when I got spanked I was not a happy child. You may have a joyful walk with Christ, but when He prunes and disciplines, you have no joy for the moment because of the pain. But joy follows weeping just as surely as morning follows night. (See Psalm 30:5)Jonathan re-landscaped a part of our backyard recently. It was just a small area but he had to get his ATV to uproot some shrubs that were well-rooted, then he had to rent a tiller to completely overhaul the dirt in the small spot, then he had to shovel and dig to plant the new stuff. It was a major project. Sometimes our landscapes need major work and sometimes we just have to go out with the clippers and take off a few sucker shoots or rip out a few weeds.
I don't know why but Bob Sorge's words are extremely comforting to me. I think because it's hard to feel joy when we hurt. And I've feels like I've been hurting for a while. I don't think I'll look back on 2012 and remember it as joyful time; even though I know God has a plan to use this time I won't look back on it fondly (at least I can't imagine doing so). But I want to be a beautiful reflection of God and so I know I must be pruned. I was out walking this week, looking at the different yards and flower beds. I was laughing to myself, thinking, "I guess God was ready for a whole new landscape in my heart. The weeding and minor cutting weren't enough. He got out the ATV and started ripping out roots and then got the heavy tiller out to completely strip away any memory of the previous landscape." Funny how God's opinion of how I'm doing and mine are so different! It hit me hard this week that this overhaul is painful and not very fun. And that's reality.
It's happening! Jonathan and I are flying out Thursday. My first appointment is 7:00 AM Friday morning (yikes)! I start with a hearing test, then am schedule for several hours of vestibular tests at 7:45. Some of the tests may CAUSE dizziness and nausea, so please pray that I will not just be a total wreck after the first morning. I meet with my first doctor at 2:15 on Friday. My appointments begin again on Monday at 12:30. I will meet with a different doctor then I have a vestibular rehabilitation appointment (vestibular rehab is what I've been doing at Melanie Massey Physical Therapy these past 5 months). We conclude the trip with an appointment at 8:30 Tuesday. This schedule may change when I get there but that's the current line-up. I'm excited, nervous, hopeful... you name it! Thank you for praying me through this last year (Oct 15 will be exactly one year). Thank you for praying for these appointments at the Mayo Clinic. I will update while we're there as much as I can.
I printed some scripture and laminated it. I am tying it onto the bag I'll be carrying around with me while I'm there. A bag of books, magazines and my completely-slam-full binder of all my history, research, notes and the extensive list of questions I have too! The scripture I will be claiming that I've tied onto my bag (personalized just for me):
The LORD himself goes before me and will be with me; he will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Her heart is secure, she will have no fear; in the end she will look with triumph on vestibular disorders.
He sent forth His word & healed her;