It's been one of those weeks. I've felt lonely, afflicted and in anguish as the Psalm says. It seems "normal" days now are dizzy ones. I don't like that. I was so mad, sad, frustrated on Tuesday. Lydia started back to gymnastics after taking the summer off. I drove her there but it was all I could do to walk her in to the chaos of the facility and wait until class started so I could leave. I was so freaked out and overstimulated. As I stood (very anxiously) waiting for class to start one of the mom's motioned for me to sit in an empty chair beside her in the "spectator booth" and said, "Do you want to sit?" I choked back a "No, I'm not staying." I saw all those moms and grandparents and others sitting there and I thought, "God, why can't I even watch my little girl in her gymnastics class? WHY????!!!!" He didn't answer me. Our sermon today was on contentment. I listened from home. I wrote in my notes:
I don't know how to be satisfied (content) with missing out on kids' activities :^(
Knowing that Mayo is 5 weeks away is making it a little tougher in some ways. I'm not nervous or worried about the visit, just ready! I'm so very guarded, probably to a fault, about my expectations of my trip. I still want and pray for a miracle but then the whole "there is no cure" thing creeps back into my mind.
One area God is seriously working on me is regarding His methods and ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). I've been pretty adamant for months that He is going to heal me, completely and divinely (for me that means no medicine or procedures, just His touch). But this week I felt very convicted that He is God and he may in fact bring healing though doctors or medicine. I have truly believed for months I would wake up one unsuspecting day and be healed from all my symptoms. I have felt very strongly that nothing in this world would or could heal me. But this week I've felt God telling me to let him be GOD! I've put him into a little box and labeled it "My Divine Miracle"... but I now realize that he can choose any way he wants to bring about healing. Just like someone would be short-sighted for not believing he could work a divine miracle and only depend on medicine, I have been totally in the wrong.
I was reading in Acts 28 this week. It's when Dr. Luke (the author of Acts) and Paul were shipwrecked on the island of Malta. Here's an excerpt of one event:
7 There was an estate nearby that belonged to Publius, the chief official of the island. He welcomed us to his home and showed us generous hospitality for three days. 8 His father was sick in bed, suffering from fever and dysentery. Paul went in to see him and, after prayer, placed his hands on him and healed him. 9 When this had happened, the rest of the sick on the island came and were cured. ---Acts 28:7-9
It struck me as very odd that Paul would go in to see Publius' sick father. Luke, the author of the story, was a doctor. I thought why wouldn't the doctor go in to heal the man? And I felt God say, "There you go, putting me and what I can do into a box again. I can heal people through doctors or disciples or in any method that I choose. Not only that, but after I used Paul to heal the man, others came to see him as well and I used Paul on that island to reach others."
Of course, I don't know what will happen at the Mayo Clinic. I have no clue what the doctors will say. They may tell me to keep doing what I'm doing with my vestibular rehabilitation therapy (VRT) or they may tell me that the nerve section surgery is what they recommend. At this point, as I wait (as patiently as I can) I am praying for God to keep me grounded and focused on His abilities in all things and in all ways. I think I feel the emotions of Psalm 25 because I realize I need to be open to whatever he has in store and that may involve changing my current mentality. It makes me very uneasy.
But it's time for me to take a limitless God out of the neat little box in which I've placed him and let His majesty be revealed. No matter what, the glory for this journey I'm on will be His.
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. ---Psalm 57:9