It's me... I'm alive... And well!!!
I want to write again. I really do. This morning I don't have anything major to report on or share, but I just felt God leading me to write.
I am REALLY struggling with finding my purpose. It's my word of the year: PURPOSE. Finding and living my purpose, helping and praying for my family to know and live our purpose together.
I have known for several years without question that my gifts are teaching and leadership. Over several years prior to my valley journey I was very blessed to serve in roles that utilize those gifts. When the valley journey started winding down (in 2013), I really wanted to start teaching a Life Group again, but I felt God telling me to wait, to just learn to abide in Him before taking on ministry opportunities. When my friend called in the first week of 2014 to ask if I'd consider helping her teach her Life Group I knew unequivocally that God was working. I started teaching again in March. Preparing for lessons has been much more rewarding... but delivering them has been a source of major frustration for me. I feel completely ineffective and out of place... like a barking bird.
This morning as I was praying I could hear the sweet sound of a bird singing right outside my window. It was God's reminder that even little birdies have special gifts. They aren't supposed to bark or meow... they are supposed to sing. And I started wondering... am I trying to be a barking bird?? Is teaching a class still where God wants me? I thought so... until recently.
I'm only writing about this because 1) I felt God tell me to write and 2) I know of many other Christians who struggle with this. A lot of my friends are serving where they need to and they know it and they are very effective. But some of my friends serve and feel uncomfortable and don't like where they're serving and some of my friends are in prayer about where God wants them to serve.
Last week as I was preparing for my lesson I looked through some of my old blog posts. As I read I was drawn in and realized that I need to go back and re-read everything I wrote because it is still so applicable. In that moment I believed God gave me the gift of writing. And now I wonder, is my teaching to be in written form verses spoken to a group? Is that where I am most effective? But then a little voice in my head nags, "What are you going to write about?" or "I thought you knew God wanted you to teach." And honestly I don't know. Today I just felt like if I sat down and wrote (in obedience to what I thought God wanted me to do), that words would come. Because when I go back and read what I've written in the past I realize that I actually didn't write any of it. It was all God. He just used my computer, my brain and my fingers.
Maybe it's not important for me to have a daily or weekly epiphany of faith. Maybe it's enough to just sit and write... about life, about thoughts, about weaknesses, about failures, about wins, about barking birds!
I know for a fact that God has a plan: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord...
Perhaps He wants me to write AND speak. I guess for now, I'll just take one day at a time and see where the road leads. I will continue to pray for PURPOSE. I will continue to seek and serve and listen and wait.