The Father of All Time

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do ---Ephesians 2:10

My sweet little daughter is an early bird.  She would come down from her room at 5:00 every morning if I let her.  For about a year now, the rule has been that she can’t come downstairs before 6:00.  She has a Hello Kitty digital clock in her room so she can keep track.  Sure enough, 95% of the mornings, at 6:00 I hear footsteps down the stairs.  On weekdays she crawls in bed with me until we have to get up and get ready for school and on weekends she’s allowed to turn on TV.  She told me that she often wakes early and watches the clock, counting down to 6:00.  I had the bright idea a few days ago to adjust her clock by 20 minutes, allowing me a little more shut-eye (my mom thought this was cruel to keep her waiting longer but I just thought it was smart). So, the very next morning she came down when her clock said 6:00… it was 5:40 a.m.  Yep, in all of my brilliance I adjusted the clock in the wrong direction.  DUH!  (My mom laughed at the irony).  Anyway, I have since readjusted her clock and this morning I saw her sweet little face at 6:20.  Success!

I often worry that I’m not doing everything God wants me to.  I worry that I’m supposed to be serving somewhere or doing something.  I pray and pray but still haven’t felt led to do any more than I already am.  I wrote in my journal last week what I felt God saying during one of my conversations with him:

Be still and know… I will show you everything when the time is right.  For now, study hard – my word, keep getting to know me, keep writing, keep deepening your thoughts and knowledge of me.

The incident with Lydia’s clock made me realize that no matter what, we can never manipulate God’s timing.  We can’t wish or will for things to happen when we want.  We can't work harder, be better or act right to make him adjust his clock.  In today's world there are so many classes of people, so many delineators; but one thing all mankind has in common is the restraint of time.  No matter how rich or poor, good or bad, we all get the same amount.  And we are held accountable for what we do with that precious resource.  That terrifies me.  I am terrified that I won’t know when the time is right or that I will disappoint God.  That he will shake his head in sadness because I blew it.  

I wonder how often David questioned God’s calling to be king during those years he ran for his life from King Saul.  He wrote the Psalms so we get a glimpse into his thoughts during that time.  I think David must have wondered if God would ever release him from his circumstances so he could fulfill his greater purpose.  At other times I know David rested peacefully in God’s sovereignty:

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  ---Psalm 139:16

I often think and ask, “I really thought you would use this horrible experience for good.  But honestly, God, if I’m sitting here not serving, I’m not accomplishing anything for you.  So, if you’ll just go ahead and let me get on with it, I think that would be great.  So, what is it you want me to do?”  By doing that I’m probably moving the clock in the WRONG direction, just like I did with Lydia’s.  And God is getting a chuckle out of it, just like my mom did.

I have to continue to pray for God’s guidance and timing every day.  I wish I could just pray it once and then move on.  But the worries and anxiety that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to return fresh regularly.  Just another goal to strive for while God whispers, "Nicole, all the days ordained for you were written in my book before one of them came to be.  Why don't you just get through the one that's before you now and let me take care of the details of the ones to come?  I've already prepared it all in advance.  It really will be easier that way.  I promise.  You can trust me."

Other stuff

I had about 3 good weeks with lots of relief from the dizziness but for the past week I've been dizzy again.  I e-mailed my doctor at Mayo and he assured me setbacks at this point are normal and that we're still on track.  Even though I still don't feel good, this is very comforting and encouraging.  I continue to be amazed by every aspect of the Mayo Clinic.  I e-mailed my doctor at 2:42pm and he responded in detail at 3:06pm.  I waited at a doctor's appointment with Beau today for 2 hours and yesterday at another doctor's office for 2 hours with him.  If the world-renowned Mayo Clinic can run so efficiently, why can't other health care providers (that's a rhetorical question; I don't expect a response)?  I shouldn't complain because I am so thankful for our insurance and access to good healthcare.  But after I've seen it work so efficiently and that it can be done, it's hard to deal with anything less.