I didn't write last week and I still feel guilty. The week before last I started feeling awful and last weekend was the worst. I felt bad physically and emotionally. I was experiencing a total solar eclipse. It seemed like the SON in my life was covered up and I was in darkness. I lost what I felt was a healthy communication with God. I hadn't done anything (that I know of) to bring on the silence. I just felt lost and dark and cold.
I started reading 1 Samuel this week in my journey of reading the entire Bible.
In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions. ---1 Samuel 3:1
I realize that the Israelites turning their backs on God caused most, if not all, of God's silence back then. But this was oddly comforting to me. Periods of silence are not punishment or measures of God's love and care for us. They're a natural part of our relationship. Often times when we feel God is silent we talk to him more and seek him more fervently. And that's a good thing.
God's silence was broken with Samuel: The Lord was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of Samuel’s words fall to the ground. And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized that Samuel was attested as a prophet of the Lord. The Lord continued to appear at Shiloh, and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word. ---1 Samuel 3:19-21
I realized through these passages that God's silence is sometimes followed with His greatness. He was silent but when he spoke he used Samuel in a mighty way and "Samuel's word came to all Israel" (4:1). Samuel became one of Israel's greatest prophets (and even anointed David to become King of Israel). There were "400 years of silence" between the old and new testaments. After which, Jesus Christ burst onto the scene. God's silence followed with His greatness.
It's so encouraging to know that even the things we don't understand are part of a master plan. In a study I'm currently doing Beth Moore writes, "Sometimes we stand to learn the most about God from the situations we understand the least."
I am feeling much better physically and emotionally but I'm still trying to find my way back into the full light. Without the bad days we don't appreciate the good, without the cold days we don't appreciate the sun's warmth, without the infirmities we don't appreciate the health, without the silent days we don't appreciate the days of abundant communication.
Health & other stuff
Well, you already know I had some bad days recently BUT this week I have had some extraordinarily good days. I believe the Zoloft has kicked in and that God is using medicine as a means to heal me. I went to the kids' Thanksgiving lunch at school Tuesday and ran errands with my mom on Thursday. And both times I felt almost "normal". What an amazing feeling! I am still having some trouble at night but it isn't as severe and if I have good days I can handle rocky nights. Jonathan was gone for another 7 day stretch last week. So he had been gone for 8, home for 6 and was gone for 7. He is home now for at least 10 days and I am soooooo thankful!
On the topic of thanks... I was thinking yesterday about everyone who reads this blog. More importantly I was thinking about all the prayers sent up regularly and faithfully on my behalf. I am truly overwhelmed that so many people care so much about me to take time to pray and be concerned. I am praying for several friends and strangers who are REALLY sick - some of them with life-threatening illnesses. Sometimes I feel guilty to ask for so much prayer and to receive so much prayer when there are so many others significantly worse off than I am. But God reminded me that prayer is part of the family of believers. We do it for each other for small and big things. So I will keep asking for prayer and I will continue to be humbly grateful for each and every prayer you utter for me. This week especially I will reflect upon how blessed beyond measure I am.