'Tis the Season!

I hate to admit this, but here goes.  I've had a scrooge-heart the last few Christmases.  I didn't show it outwardly (not that I'm aware of) but Christmas and the materialism of it all really got to me.  Our family has slowly been making changes to our approach the last few years.  I don't share any of this to make you think we're wonderful and holy and giving.  It's just what's on my heart.  Two years ago we started the tradition of 3 gifts per child, plus whatever Santa brings.  Last year we went to 3 gifts per child from us and 1 from Santa.  For the record it's hard to tell 7-year-olds why Santa only brings them one gift when all their friends get multiple gifts from Santa.  I tell them that Santa knows what mommies and daddies want for their children and he honors those wishes.  Last year we also sponsored some children who will not have Christmas without families like ours providing the gifts.  We bought them things like clothes, coats and shoes (stuff that we have a multitude of and take for granted) and we made sure every child we sponsored got a bible.  We did the same thing this year and hope that in years to come we will tip the scales where the families we buy for get most of the gifts and we get fewer and fewer.  

The thing that bothers me the most is the stress this time of year causes everyone.  I've been asked (and admittedly I've dutifully asked), "Are you ready for Christmas?" more times than I can count.  I give the response that's expected, "Yes, I've got almost everything bought and wrapped."  But I really feel convicted to say, "I'm not ready for Christmas... I'm so overwhelmed and bombarded by all the marketing, all the hustle and bustle that I've spent less time than ever focused on Jesus - the WHOLE REASON we have Christmas.  What about you?  Are you ready?"  Maybe next year I can be that bold.

I read a very convicting blog several weeks ago.  If you want the whole version, here's the link (for the record, I don't necessarily condone some her word choices):
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/29/the-christmas-conundrum

Here's an excerpt:

What happened to Christmas? What on earth happened to it? When did it transform from something simple and beautiful to what it is now? How insidiously did the enemy work to slowly hijack Jesus' birth and hand it over on a silver platter to Big Marketing, tricking His own followers into financing the confiscation? 

Here are some things I'm taking away from her perspective plus some thoughts/challenges to myself:

I find myself intentionally NOT talking about Santa, not asking my kids what they want for Christmas and I have almost burned all my brain cells trying to tactfully tell two 7-year-olds why every other kid they know has a creepy elf sneaking around their house every night and why we don't.

I am SO on the verge of telling my kids there is no Santa.  Close family tells me to not ruin it for them, not to "take away their childhood."  But honestly, I am sick and tired of hearing my kids talk about Santa and being good because of Santa.  I refuse to adjust their behavior by telling them, "Santa's watching," even though I would get them to stop whatever they were doing wrong.  As Jen's blog said, Jesus can't compete with Santa when you're 7 and you believe.  And when my kids see Santa as more important than Jesus I feel like a failure (as I well should).  It's not that I want to be cold-hearted and "take away their childhood" but I want them to have a healthy perspective on the "magic" of knowing Jesus, not the magic of Santa, reindeer and elves.

I am intentionally throwing away all the Toys R Us, Target and Walmart sales sheets immediately.  The less they're exposed to, the better.

I do feel that it is critically important to show love to others and honor them, but why do we do it on someone else's birthday?  Why not dedicate our efforts in 2014 to honor loved ones on THEIR birthdays so that when Jesus' gets here on December 25 we can focus all of our attention on Him.  I think it's ok to still celebrate and honor people during December, but not if it causes strife, grief and ulcers!!!!!  Think of this: for as many times as you've thought "Oh no! I "have" to get a gift for (fill in the blank of the person's name you forgot)," (usually at the last minute when you have to run out for "one more thing"),  you've been the (fill in your name as the person who was forgotten) on the other end of that.  Do you really want someone stressing out and buying you something at Christmas because they "have" to?  I don't!

My birthday was about 8 weeks ago.  I felt loved and honored and received lots of nice cards and gifts.  When people ask what I want for Christmas several weeks after my birthday I am 100% honest when I tell them I don't need anything.  And this year I am honest when I tell people that I truly don't WANT anything.  Please, I would rather you spend money on someone else who needs it.  I know you love me and want me to know it, and you can show your love by buying a gift in my honor for someone who actually NEEDS it! (whew, I feel a little better now)

Go ask your kids what they got for Christmas last year.  Can they name any of the gifts?  I cleaned out my kids play room recently and they never even noticed.  They still don't know things are gone.  They have so much stuff yet I still hear, "I'm bored."  Are you kidding me?  And now that it's December I'm supposed to go broke restocking a play room of toys that they may never even play with and won't miss when they're gone?!

On the bright side, it does appear that more people are looking for families to sponsor, through angel trees and local organizations.  What if we added up our receipts from this year spent on non-charitable gifts and cards and vowed to spend 1/2 of that amount on needy families next year (which would mean spending 1/2 of what we spend this year on people who really don't need any more stuff - i.e. kids, family, friends)?  If every  one of us did that we could really make a difference and be able to truly share more of Jesus at Christmas time.  The most stress-free shopping we've done the last couple of years has been the shopping we've done for others.  It's fun buying things for people you don't even know; knowing that they will appreciate it more than anyone else you buy for.

In conclusion, please know that I don't judge you.  These are my thoughts and my convictions.  I don't want to have a scrooge-heart at Christmas.  I want to have joy and more importantly I want to share this joy and the significance of Christmas with my children.  I want them to know it has nothing to do with buying, spending, charging, stressing or big marketing.  But it does have to do with the greatest gift ever given, in the form of a baby when history was forever changed.

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

And part of the story of our lives, the Gregory's, is that a diligent faith and many, many prayers have brought the greatest gift after two long years - my restored health!  And maybe that's part of my conviction - leading a life that is counter-cultural because of the incredible journey through the desert we've been on these last couple of years.  Spending time in the valley certainly changes your perspective on everything - even Christmas!

Whatever approach you choose, I do wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sky Gazing

At a funeral service I attended last week the minister shared that the sweet lady who had passed away kept a copy of this story in her bible:

The Best Day of My Life

By Gregory M. Lousig-Nont, Ph.D.

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.

I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

It reminded me of how simple life should be (and could be).  As we’re already beginning to feel the holiday frenzy, I am thankful to know that keeping perspective is really not complicated, although it takes a lot of discipline and forethought. 

It also reminds me of this scripture in Habakkuk chapter 3:

His glory covered the heavens and his praise filled the earth.  ⁴ His splendor was like the sunrise; rays flashed from his hand, where his power was hidden.

One of the things my friend, Summer, got me hooked on is sky gazing.  It’s become a habit of mine to stay watchful for beautiful scenes painted in the sky.  She and I often share sky photos with each other.  It’s a pause in the day to remember that God’s POWER is like rays that flash from His hand.  Here are some of my favorites:

This next one is my absolute favorite.  I took it one morning as I was walking.  I didn’t feel very well and had the spiritual and emotional “blahs.”  Yet this was the sight as I neared my house (that’s my house in the picture).  It hear a choir of angels singing in my head and heart when I look at this picture.  

I was reminded that in all the gloomy gray clouds (in the sky and in my heart), God still finds ways to reach out and touch me.  How stark in contrast the rays of the sun (Son) are to the gray clouds over us.

 Life Stuff

Things are going really well.  I think I’m at the point where I can accept the new me!  And it’s the simple wins… Jonathan’s been traveling a lot and I’ve taken the kids to life group, church and Awana on Sundays by myself 3 of the last 4 weeks.  I volunteered in Awana this “semester” at our church and only missed 2 Sundays (one of those I was in Mexico).  I can drive most places most days.  I still have to pace myself but honestly I’m glad for that.  I feel like God has given me the gift of a physical infirmity to keep me reigned in, to keep me focused on what matters and to keep me depending on him for EVERY day.

The Fog

I was driving the kids to school one day last week and it was really foggy; so foggy that we couldn't see the school until we got right up on it.  As we were driving through the fog, Lydia said, "I wonder if the school disappeared." Beau said, "No, I can still see the outline of it."  I was busy looking intently right ahead of me so I wouldn't wreck.

I realize that sometimes when we're on the road of life, God has plans for us even though we can't see them.  They're on the road up ahead somewhere just beyond our visibility.  On that foggy day, God reminded me that even though He may have plans that I can't see right now, there are still things right under my nose that are clearly visible and need my attention.

This is WAY personal but at this point I've pretty much laid my life out there so I guess I won't stop now.  When I pray and journal I often just open the page and ask for God to give me guidance and when I write it's the stream of thought that comes to me; although it's not an audible voice, it's how I feel God communicating with me.  Here is my journal entry that followed that foggy morning:

Journal Entry

Sometimes I am like a dense fog.  I hide the things you can usually see.  I allow this fog to settle so that you literally can't see (or think) too far ahead.  You have to take each step (moment) of the day as it comes.  Do not get ahead of yourself.  Don't think about where you will serve next - serve me now, where you are.  After hearing two sermons on parenting the last couple of weeks, your Legacy Path book you're reading and the New Kid by Monday book you're reading, you've got plenty right here in front of you to focus on - I want you to focus on your family.  I have given you a gift that I have not given to anyone else you know - the gift of TIME.  Use it wisely.  Use it to minister to the things close by and right in front of you.  If you keep looking further out, all you see is fog.  Stay here - become the best mom and wife you can be.  I will help.

This is just another way that I feel God giving me peace to quietly serve my family and not to seek out other "flashy," more-prominent ministry opportunities.  Maybe those are out there covered by the fog and maybe not.  I realize that the gift of time is precious and priceless and that moms that have to work outside the home have a tremendous amount of pressure to fulfill their many roles.  I am truly and humbly thankful that God has bestowed this gift on me and I pray that I will faithfully fulfill my roles as wife and mom to His glory.

Ephesians 5:15-16:
¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity...

Birthday Blessings

I’m 41 today!  And how blessed I am…

·        God’s grace and mercy covers me EVERY day

·        My exodus from captivity (pre-Meniere’s) and being on the precipice of the Promised Land (health restoration)

·        God’s unfailing love

·        My husband – who has taken the vow of “in sickness and in health” and shown how it’s lived out

·        My beautiful, smart, healthy, funny, loving kids

·        My supportive and encouraging parents

·        My mom – who took me to church and taught me about Jesus very early on

·        My friends – true friends who have proven their love for me over the last two years

·        My best friend, Summer – a Jonathan/David friendship of two souls

·        My church, North Monroe Baptist – who cares and prays and encourages, without ceasing

·        My Faulk & Foster job, which is so much more – it’s family

·        A beautiful home, reliable car, comfortable clothes and abundant food

·        My health!

Psalm 103:1-5

¹Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all my sins

    and heals all my diseases,
⁴ who redeems my life from the pit
    and crowns me with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies my desires with good things
    so that my youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I can’t imagine anyone having a better birthday than this!  

Happy Anniversary Meniere’s Disease!

Two years ago today this journey began...  I woke up knowing and feeling that something wasn’t quite right.  In the last two years I’ve experienced anger, fear, sorrow, worry, resentment, confusion, desperation… peace, hope, joy, faith, humility, steadfastness and perseverance.  Instead of looking back and rehashing the last couple of years, let me share my latest revelation with you.

I met my friend, Summer, about 6 months in to this journey.  I often tell her “I’m a different person” and she always wants to know, “In what way?  What were you like before?”  She recently challenged me to really flesh that out.  So I began to pray and journal and seek the answer to the question, “How am I a different person?” 

A few days ago, God laid the answer on my heart.  Definitively, conclusively and simply the answer is… “I’m not a different person!”  HUH?????  How can that be?  After all I’ve been through?  Then what’s all this for? 

Through more prayer, I realized I am the same person – my appearance (other than some extra gray, wrinkles and pounds), my stubbornness, perfectionism, OCD, competitive spirit and other hard-wired traits and personality components are all the same.  But something very significant has changed: my perspective!

I wear contacts because without them I can’t see.  I wake up each morning to a world of blobs and blurs, fuzzy shapes and outlines.  The moment I put in my contact lenses, things are clear, sharp and very distinguishable.  I always tell my kids, “OK, now I can see you.”  What I see is completely and markedly different, but what they see when they look at me is totally the same; the mama they saw before and after I put in my lenses hasn’t changed.

It’s kinda like I’ve put new lenses on my mind and soul over the last couple of years.  I have been so hard on myself, worrying that people don’t see a different me – they don’t see a peaceful, calm, passive, fruit-hanging-all-over-me Nicole.  I’ve been thinking all along that the culmination of this journey would result in some new ministry, some life-altering obvious change.  Instead this journey resulted in a complete overhaul of my heart and soul, a change deep within that isn’t obvious to the world; a change that has brought a new perspective on how I see God, how I see people, how I care about people and how I pray for people.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is 1 Kings 19:11-13 where the prophet Elijah encounters God:

¹¹ The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.  Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

God moves in small, subtle, personal, private ways sometimes (a gentle whisper).  I have found such peach and comfort in this realization.  We should always expect God to move, but sometimes we must be willing to see the movement in places we never expect!

Life stuff

Things are still going really well.  I continue to function fairly “normally” most days.  I pace myself more, I sit down and take a “guilt-free five” more often, I say “let me think about it” before I commit to activities rather than agreeing to do things that 1) I don’t want to do, 2) God doesn’t want me to do or 3) may be good, but not great things for my family and me.  I am still reading through my Bible – I just finished Ezekiel (that was the toughest book so far for me to get through).  Counting pages, not books of the Bible, I am 90% through the Old Testament and 63% through the entire Bible.  I can’t believe I waited 40 years to do it.  I pray that my kids will not wait until mid-life to read God’s word all the way through.  I have seriously missed out on SO MUCH in terms of bible study over the years.  I always thought it would be a tedious undertaking but it’s truly a most liberating exercise.

Thank you for hanging with me these last 2 years – in prayer, in love, in support.  God is good… ALL THE TIME!

Rebuilding

My journey that began almost two years ago continues to change and evolve every day.  It seems in my life now that no two days are the same and I truly must take each day as it comes.  I do make plans but I must be flexible.  And as hard-headed as I am, that’s not easy.  When I had my shunt surgery a year and a half ago, the surgeon used a diamond cutter to drill through my skull.   Jonathan thinks he’s being funny when he tells people that the surgeon broke 3 bits before he finally got through.  And while he does get laughs there’s some sad truth in there somewhere.

Over the last two years God has broken me completely down and apart.  There were days when I laid in bed and sobbed because I couldn’t do anything.  PRAISE GOD those days are behind me!  I really don’t pray often enough that my Meniere’s Disease will NEVER again rear it’s ugly head in that way EVER again!  Now that I am doing better and able to participate in more life activities I am finding it very challenging to “rebuild.”  My goal throughout the days in the miry pit was to rebuild my life so intentionally and God-inspired that I would be God’s beacon of light to anyone and everyone I encountered.  But I’m realizing that’s not God’s plan (for now anyway).  I still have to live in the same body that God gave me the day I arrived – with all those flaws that he knows intimately. 

My best friend, Summer, and I are reading an awesome book called The Legacy Path: Discover Intentional Spiritual Parenting by Brian Haynes.  We read together so we can share, challenge and encourage.  It’s based on Deuteronomy 6:4-9 

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

At one point the author says, “There is an art to sacrificing the good things to experience the best things.”  I cannot get over this idea.  As I rebuild there are SO many good things I can begin doing again.  But are they the GREAT things God has in store for me and my family?

I’ve had invitations to join different weekly bible studies, to teach life groups either as a sub or permanently (and I SO MISS teaching), to join a heart to home group in my church.  And I’ve said no to every one of those very GOOD things.  But I feel certain for right now, those are not the GREAT things God wants for me.  Do you see why this is so hard and confusing??? And I know I’m not alone; almost everyone reading this probably struggles with the same thing.  I don’t have an answer, don’t know the secret.  But I do feel that God is rebuilding me and adding in activities that He designed for me.

I will write more about one of the projects in the next couple of weeks – how it came about and where it’s going.  In short, it’s the Kings and Queens Project and it’s 4 kids in Northeast Louisiana ministering to others in need.  Yes, the 4 kids belong to my friend, Summer, and me.  Yes, it’s part of our “legacy path” and intentional parenting.  Yes, it’s to educate our kids so they know how blessed they are.  Their current project is The Underwear Affair, a children’s underwear drive.  (Quick plug: If you would like to donate new, unopened children’s underwear to the cause, please let me know and we will make it happen.)

  For more information visit Kings and Queens Project on Facebook.

In short, I’m doing MUCH better.  I am still working via phone with my doctor at the Mayo Clinic as we continue to tweak my medication.  I am attending church regularly, visiting my kids at school regularly, and attending practices and games and birthday parties regularly!  I still have days where I can’t drive or do much, but in a way I’m thankful for that (I know, I’m weird).  A recent journal entry: “I have been very remiss laying my days’ activities at God’s feet.  I know that without Him I can’t do anything.  Not one single activity can I accomplish on my own.  I am thankful to have down days to remind me of my limitations and boundaries.”

I hope that anyone with a physical impairment that stumbles onto this blog finds encouragement that God is more than capable to see you through the desert.  He can bring you out of the deepest valley.  Life as you knew it may be gone forever but the “new you” will very likely be more content than you could have imagined!

I was out walking last week and the wind was blowing the trees so they were all beautifully “speaking” as I walked by.  The rustle of the leaves was a sweet melody.  I looked at those tall trees wavering in the wind and at the same time my phone was playing “He Said” by Group 1 Crew featuring Chris August.  There’s a line in the song that says, “I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break.”  I was watching those trees dance and bend, not even close to breaking.  I realized that those big tall trees that don’t break have deep roots holding them steady – roots that took years to develop.  You get my point right?  I hope after 2 years my roots are MUCH deeper than before.  And I know they’ve still got a lot of growing to do!

Some final thoughts and reasons to smile:

·        My family and I spent a week at the beach in early August – it was AWESOME! 

·        My “babies” started 2^nd grade mid-August. 

·        Jonathan and I went to Mexico for 5 days alone together last week to RELAX! 

·        Gator is still with us and he’s still a royal pain in the tush.  J

Mid-Summer Report

I have felt compelled for several weeks to post and give all of my faithful prayer warriors an update and I am ashamed that I have not.  Please forgive me!

The news....
It’s all positive.  The last 3 weeks have been incredible... "normal" incredible!  I have driven my kids here and there - errands, outings, appointments.  I have been to several movies.  This week started with a 3-day trip to Arkansas which included a trip to Magic Springs (an amusement park) where I actually RODE a couple of rides.  Is that not awesome?!?

This is a link to one, which is considered a "thrill ride" so it's not for sissies...
http://www.magicsprings.com/thrill-rides-plummet-summit.php#

And the "Old No. 2 Logging Company Log Flume" which is similar to the one in this photo from another park...


Three days after the trip there, my friend Summer and I took all 4 of our kids to Shreveport for the day, shopping, eating and enjoying a movie.

I added a third medicine to the line-up about 3 weeks ago and it has seemed to make all the difference.  Know what's really ironic?  It's the medicine that I weaned myself from last summer b/c I HATED taking it!!!!  I have been resistant to it and finally gave in to give it another try.  For some reason it works wonders in combination with the other 2 meds I'm on.  Of course, God couldn’t put it past me the life lesson that sometimes the things we dread and hate the most bring us the most relief.  I don't dread evenings and bedtime anymore - I actually look forward to a good night's rest.  And the fact I actually went on some theme park rides and didn't dream about them all night is SO COOL!

Our family is going to the beach for a week before school starts - a vacation that we had to miss last year.  And I have no qualms or reservations that I will enjoy every minute of it.

I eased back to running on June 2.  I used the Couch to 5K program and am now running 4-5 days a week.  That helps enormously with my overall mood and disposition.

Spiritually I feel a little held up.  I feel that several months ago God just went silent on me.  And I'm slowly realizing it's not a bad thing.  It's testing my fervor and commitment to him.  If I continue to seek and knock and ask when I don't "feel" his response then I am giving him just what he wants - a passionate pursuit.  Admittedly it is difficult to have deep, lengthy quiet times every day with two 7-year-olds underfoot and for that reason I am looking forward to school starting back in a couple of weeks.

I still keep thinking that a "hallelujah, I'm healed" moment is coming, but everything is just happening very gradually.  I regularly attend life group and church now on Sundays... I can't really pinpoint the moment that part of my life became normal again; it just kinda happened.

So I guess I'm still on the uphill climb out of the valley and I haven't reached the summit yet where more of this makes sense and my purpose or calling from the peak becomes clearer.

Thank you for your continued prayer.  Thank you for being so joyful when you see me out.  Please pray that I will stay grounded and not forget a minute of this journey.  Please pray that God's calling will be crystal clear when his timing is right.