Birthday Blessings

I’m 41 today!  And how blessed I am…

·        God’s grace and mercy covers me EVERY day

·        My exodus from captivity (pre-Meniere’s) and being on the precipice of the Promised Land (health restoration)

·        God’s unfailing love

·        My husband – who has taken the vow of “in sickness and in health” and shown how it’s lived out

·        My beautiful, smart, healthy, funny, loving kids

·        My supportive and encouraging parents

·        My mom – who took me to church and taught me about Jesus very early on

·        My friends – true friends who have proven their love for me over the last two years

·        My best friend, Summer – a Jonathan/David friendship of two souls

·        My church, North Monroe Baptist – who cares and prays and encourages, without ceasing

·        My Faulk & Foster job, which is so much more – it’s family

·        A beautiful home, reliable car, comfortable clothes and abundant food

·        My health!

Psalm 103:1-5

¹Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all my sins

    and heals all my diseases,
⁴ who redeems my life from the pit
    and crowns me with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies my desires with good things
    so that my youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I can’t imagine anyone having a better birthday than this!  

Happy Anniversary Meniere’s Disease!

Two years ago today this journey began...  I woke up knowing and feeling that something wasn’t quite right.  In the last two years I’ve experienced anger, fear, sorrow, worry, resentment, confusion, desperation… peace, hope, joy, faith, humility, steadfastness and perseverance.  Instead of looking back and rehashing the last couple of years, let me share my latest revelation with you.

I met my friend, Summer, about 6 months in to this journey.  I often tell her “I’m a different person” and she always wants to know, “In what way?  What were you like before?”  She recently challenged me to really flesh that out.  So I began to pray and journal and seek the answer to the question, “How am I a different person?” 

A few days ago, God laid the answer on my heart.  Definitively, conclusively and simply the answer is… “I’m not a different person!”  HUH?????  How can that be?  After all I’ve been through?  Then what’s all this for? 

Through more prayer, I realized I am the same person – my appearance (other than some extra gray, wrinkles and pounds), my stubbornness, perfectionism, OCD, competitive spirit and other hard-wired traits and personality components are all the same.  But something very significant has changed: my perspective!

I wear contacts because without them I can’t see.  I wake up each morning to a world of blobs and blurs, fuzzy shapes and outlines.  The moment I put in my contact lenses, things are clear, sharp and very distinguishable.  I always tell my kids, “OK, now I can see you.”  What I see is completely and markedly different, but what they see when they look at me is totally the same; the mama they saw before and after I put in my lenses hasn’t changed.

It’s kinda like I’ve put new lenses on my mind and soul over the last couple of years.  I have been so hard on myself, worrying that people don’t see a different me – they don’t see a peaceful, calm, passive, fruit-hanging-all-over-me Nicole.  I’ve been thinking all along that the culmination of this journey would result in some new ministry, some life-altering obvious change.  Instead this journey resulted in a complete overhaul of my heart and soul, a change deep within that isn’t obvious to the world; a change that has brought a new perspective on how I see God, how I see people, how I care about people and how I pray for people.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is 1 Kings 19:11-13 where the prophet Elijah encounters God:

¹¹ The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.  Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

God moves in small, subtle, personal, private ways sometimes (a gentle whisper).  I have found such peach and comfort in this realization.  We should always expect God to move, but sometimes we must be willing to see the movement in places we never expect!

Life stuff

Things are still going really well.  I continue to function fairly “normally” most days.  I pace myself more, I sit down and take a “guilt-free five” more often, I say “let me think about it” before I commit to activities rather than agreeing to do things that 1) I don’t want to do, 2) God doesn’t want me to do or 3) may be good, but not great things for my family and me.  I am still reading through my Bible – I just finished Ezekiel (that was the toughest book so far for me to get through).  Counting pages, not books of the Bible, I am 90% through the Old Testament and 63% through the entire Bible.  I can’t believe I waited 40 years to do it.  I pray that my kids will not wait until mid-life to read God’s word all the way through.  I have seriously missed out on SO MUCH in terms of bible study over the years.  I always thought it would be a tedious undertaking but it’s truly a most liberating exercise.

Thank you for hanging with me these last 2 years – in prayer, in love, in support.  God is good… ALL THE TIME!

Rebuilding

My journey that began almost two years ago continues to change and evolve every day.  It seems in my life now that no two days are the same and I truly must take each day as it comes.  I do make plans but I must be flexible.  And as hard-headed as I am, that’s not easy.  When I had my shunt surgery a year and a half ago, the surgeon used a diamond cutter to drill through my skull.   Jonathan thinks he’s being funny when he tells people that the surgeon broke 3 bits before he finally got through.  And while he does get laughs there’s some sad truth in there somewhere.

Over the last two years God has broken me completely down and apart.  There were days when I laid in bed and sobbed because I couldn’t do anything.  PRAISE GOD those days are behind me!  I really don’t pray often enough that my Meniere’s Disease will NEVER again rear it’s ugly head in that way EVER again!  Now that I am doing better and able to participate in more life activities I am finding it very challenging to “rebuild.”  My goal throughout the days in the miry pit was to rebuild my life so intentionally and God-inspired that I would be God’s beacon of light to anyone and everyone I encountered.  But I’m realizing that’s not God’s plan (for now anyway).  I still have to live in the same body that God gave me the day I arrived – with all those flaws that he knows intimately. 

My best friend, Summer, and I are reading an awesome book called The Legacy Path: Discover Intentional Spiritual Parenting by Brian Haynes.  We read together so we can share, challenge and encourage.  It’s based on Deuteronomy 6:4-9 

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

At one point the author says, “There is an art to sacrificing the good things to experience the best things.”  I cannot get over this idea.  As I rebuild there are SO many good things I can begin doing again.  But are they the GREAT things God has in store for me and my family?

I’ve had invitations to join different weekly bible studies, to teach life groups either as a sub or permanently (and I SO MISS teaching), to join a heart to home group in my church.  And I’ve said no to every one of those very GOOD things.  But I feel certain for right now, those are not the GREAT things God wants for me.  Do you see why this is so hard and confusing??? And I know I’m not alone; almost everyone reading this probably struggles with the same thing.  I don’t have an answer, don’t know the secret.  But I do feel that God is rebuilding me and adding in activities that He designed for me.

I will write more about one of the projects in the next couple of weeks – how it came about and where it’s going.  In short, it’s the Kings and Queens Project and it’s 4 kids in Northeast Louisiana ministering to others in need.  Yes, the 4 kids belong to my friend, Summer, and me.  Yes, it’s part of our “legacy path” and intentional parenting.  Yes, it’s to educate our kids so they know how blessed they are.  Their current project is The Underwear Affair, a children’s underwear drive.  (Quick plug: If you would like to donate new, unopened children’s underwear to the cause, please let me know and we will make it happen.)

  For more information visit Kings and Queens Project on Facebook.

In short, I’m doing MUCH better.  I am still working via phone with my doctor at the Mayo Clinic as we continue to tweak my medication.  I am attending church regularly, visiting my kids at school regularly, and attending practices and games and birthday parties regularly!  I still have days where I can’t drive or do much, but in a way I’m thankful for that (I know, I’m weird).  A recent journal entry: “I have been very remiss laying my days’ activities at God’s feet.  I know that without Him I can’t do anything.  Not one single activity can I accomplish on my own.  I am thankful to have down days to remind me of my limitations and boundaries.”

I hope that anyone with a physical impairment that stumbles onto this blog finds encouragement that God is more than capable to see you through the desert.  He can bring you out of the deepest valley.  Life as you knew it may be gone forever but the “new you” will very likely be more content than you could have imagined!

I was out walking last week and the wind was blowing the trees so they were all beautifully “speaking” as I walked by.  The rustle of the leaves was a sweet melody.  I looked at those tall trees wavering in the wind and at the same time my phone was playing “He Said” by Group 1 Crew featuring Chris August.  There’s a line in the song that says, “I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break.”  I was watching those trees dance and bend, not even close to breaking.  I realized that those big tall trees that don’t break have deep roots holding them steady – roots that took years to develop.  You get my point right?  I hope after 2 years my roots are MUCH deeper than before.  And I know they’ve still got a lot of growing to do!

Some final thoughts and reasons to smile:

·        My family and I spent a week at the beach in early August – it was AWESOME! 

·        My “babies” started 2^nd grade mid-August. 

·        Jonathan and I went to Mexico for 5 days alone together last week to RELAX! 

·        Gator is still with us and he’s still a royal pain in the tush.  J

Mid-Summer Report

I have felt compelled for several weeks to post and give all of my faithful prayer warriors an update and I am ashamed that I have not.  Please forgive me!

The news....
It’s all positive.  The last 3 weeks have been incredible... "normal" incredible!  I have driven my kids here and there - errands, outings, appointments.  I have been to several movies.  This week started with a 3-day trip to Arkansas which included a trip to Magic Springs (an amusement park) where I actually RODE a couple of rides.  Is that not awesome?!?

This is a link to one, which is considered a "thrill ride" so it's not for sissies...
http://www.magicsprings.com/thrill-rides-plummet-summit.php#

And the "Old No. 2 Logging Company Log Flume" which is similar to the one in this photo from another park...


Three days after the trip there, my friend Summer and I took all 4 of our kids to Shreveport for the day, shopping, eating and enjoying a movie.

I added a third medicine to the line-up about 3 weeks ago and it has seemed to make all the difference.  Know what's really ironic?  It's the medicine that I weaned myself from last summer b/c I HATED taking it!!!!  I have been resistant to it and finally gave in to give it another try.  For some reason it works wonders in combination with the other 2 meds I'm on.  Of course, God couldn’t put it past me the life lesson that sometimes the things we dread and hate the most bring us the most relief.  I don't dread evenings and bedtime anymore - I actually look forward to a good night's rest.  And the fact I actually went on some theme park rides and didn't dream about them all night is SO COOL!

Our family is going to the beach for a week before school starts - a vacation that we had to miss last year.  And I have no qualms or reservations that I will enjoy every minute of it.

I eased back to running on June 2.  I used the Couch to 5K program and am now running 4-5 days a week.  That helps enormously with my overall mood and disposition.

Spiritually I feel a little held up.  I feel that several months ago God just went silent on me.  And I'm slowly realizing it's not a bad thing.  It's testing my fervor and commitment to him.  If I continue to seek and knock and ask when I don't "feel" his response then I am giving him just what he wants - a passionate pursuit.  Admittedly it is difficult to have deep, lengthy quiet times every day with two 7-year-olds underfoot and for that reason I am looking forward to school starting back in a couple of weeks.

I still keep thinking that a "hallelujah, I'm healed" moment is coming, but everything is just happening very gradually.  I regularly attend life group and church now on Sundays... I can't really pinpoint the moment that part of my life became normal again; it just kinda happened.

So I guess I'm still on the uphill climb out of the valley and I haven't reached the summit yet where more of this makes sense and my purpose or calling from the peak becomes clearer.

Thank you for your continued prayer.  Thank you for being so joyful when you see me out.  Please pray that I will stay grounded and not forget a minute of this journey.  Please pray that God's calling will be crystal clear when his timing is right.

A Closer Look

There was a dead horsefly on our back patio when I woke up yesterday morning.  Seeing as how Gator eats pretty much everything, it was a miracle this little bug was still there.  It was on its back and I bent over to look more closely.  As I looked I noticed its little fly eyes and its stinger.  I then got the kids' magnifying glass and tried to look even closer.  The reason I say I "tried" to look closer is because Gator-the-Holy-Terror was trying to jump on me, eat the magnifying glass and step on the fly all at the same time.  I finally shooed Gator away long enough to gaze.  This fly, which usually is annoying, ugly and sometimes painful, became beautiful under the glass.  I could see many intricate details of its body, its large stinger, its scales, its amazing eyes. 

Over the last 2 weeks I have received at least 6 different words of encouragement from 6 different people in 6 different ways.  I want to share them with you, not to be proud or boastful, but just so you will know exactly what I mean:

1)      A family friend that I see once a year at most told me how much she enjoys my blog and how helpful it is to others.  She encouraged me to write a book or compile my postings in some way.

2)      A friend that I have seen about once in the last year sent me a Facebook message sharing her valley story and encouraging me with her words and lessons, so many of which I can totally relate to.

3)      A friend sent me a text acknowledging that every time she sees me walk into church she gives thanks that I am able to be there; knowing that for a very long time church attendance was difficult and I didn't go for a very long time.

4)      A friend sat next to me in church during a sermon from 1 Peter 1:3-9 entitled "Life Under Assault."  She looked at me after the service and told me she thought of me the whole time and about how I've stayed positive throughout my trial.

5)      A friend has been going through a very scary, physical ordeal for the last week (she's better - praise God!).  I was able to send her some encouragement and get hers in return.

6)      My mom called the twins' birthday into the local Christian radio station last week.  She also told the DJs what a great mom I am and that I read scripture and pray with my kids every morning.  It was a slow birthday morning (theirs was the only one), so the DJs spent some time relaying this story on air.  As I sat down to pray that morning I realized that if absolutely nothing else changes or I don't have a new ministry or calling as a result of this trial, that this one change in our life alone is a gift and a treasure and can have a significant eternal impact.  If I were still working full-time and running wide-open, I would have said, "We don't have the time in the mornings; we can't be late for school!"  And I realize this incredible gift of time that God has given us - time to spend training my children the importance of reading God's word and talking to Him every morning.

Again, I'm not sharing these stories as testaments to anything I've done.  I just want you to understand how over the last few weeks I've taken inventory of the last 19 months and am re-assessing just what it all means.  Somehow, with God's grace, I am able to look through the magnifying glass and see an ugly, painful, annoying situation as beautiful and precious.  It's a process, but I believe God has ignited a renewed sense of purpose for me.  Just like Gator distracting me from fly-gazing, many, many things have distracted me from having the right mindset over the last year and half.

I was lying in bed last night and shamefully remembering a conversation I had with the Young Singles Life Group that I taught up until the time I got sick.  One day in class I asked how many were ready to go to heaven and I sadly admitted that I wasn't quite ready yet.  Because I had a completely blessed life here, I didn't yearn for any more.  I had a great job, husband, kids, home, friends, HEALTH.  Through this journey, the priority of those things has been stripped away.  For so many days the only thing I could focus on was God's grace and the things of this world became "strangely dim" as the song says.  Now I cannot wait for the day that I can burst forth through those pearly gates.  I am ready NOW.  I realize that all I have is temporary and none of it is mine anyway.  It's all God's.  Now that my fingers have been pried from the grip I had on things of this earth I can spend time with my magnifying glass looking more closely at this journey and appreciating it for what it is and even finding beauty in something very ugly.

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

 ---Habakkuk 3:17-18

Other Stuff
I've been on the new meds for a week and it's actually been a pretty good one.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  Nights are still not fun at all, but at least I am getting a little relief in daily activities. I'm still having some trouble setting boundaries and not pushing myself - I'm sure that will continue to be a work in progress.

School is out for summer and I am so thankful for lazy mornings and no homework!

Tomorrow I will celebrate 14 years of marriage with a wonderful husband who has quietly born the brunt of the family burden for a very long year and a half.

May 20 Mayo Visit

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the continued prayers.  Even though I don't sit and write very often anymore I still know you are faithful in remembering me.  It's been a rough couple of months physically and emotionally and I know I've been withdrawn.  I'm not sure why and can't really describe how I feel.

I had 2 appointments at the Mayo Clinic today.  I told Dr. Staab, the doc I speak with via phone regularly, that it was surreal being there again.  Last October when I left, I truly thought I would never be back.  But 7 months later there we were today. 

What a blessing that we didn't have to fly commercial; we left our house at 6am today and pulled back in the driveway at 5:45 this evening.  We ate breakfast and lunch and had 2 one-hour doctors appointments - pretty incredible!  I know of one doctor in West Monroe that may keep a patient waiting close to 12 hours just to see him (Ok, I'm exaggerating but you get the picture).

So, the long and short of it is that we must continue to try different combinations of medicines to treat my chronic headaches and my dizziness.  My doctors feel we have pinpointed what may be a good combination for me so we are going to try and find the right dosage with those 2 meds.  Dr. Staab was so wonderful, so reassuring, so knowledgeable.  He re-emphasized that I'm not alone; that he's going to continue to work with me until we find the answer and that we have to just "build on the little successes" to figure out what's best for me.  We're trying to get my brain to shift out of the "high risk dizziness" mode and the headaches are "throwing gas on the flames"... so we have to treat both, which is more complicated than just treating the dizziness.

Since I continue to have terrible nights - waking up from dreams that I'm riding carnival rides or dizzied up on heavy meds - I may also begin taking something at night to help me sleep.

Finally, I have to make some "lifestyle" changes.  Instead of cramming all kinds of activities into "good" days and then crashing from it and/or refraining from any activity on "bad" days, I have to pace myself during the week.  Being the OCD planner that I am, this shouldn't be too tough.  Although I don't do well with boundaries and saying "no" so Jonathan is also going to help keep me on track!  Dr. Staab wants me to plan a week out at a time; one or maybe two activities a day so that I don't overdue the good and that I push a little on the bad.

Last October when we left, Staab said to "go home and make (getting well) your fall/winter project."  Today he told me to go home and work on getting my meds right this summer.  And so I face another literal "season" of working through a recovery (if that's what I would even call it) period.  So, that's the gist of it all.  I'm sure this is Greek to many and I probably don't explain it well.  Since I've lived it now for a year and a half, it's all lingo that makes sense to me, but I realize it's very confusing!

I'm not really sure where God wants me right now in all of this.  I am struggling with that too.  I desperately want to write, but I feel empty.  And that makes me really sad.  Please pray that I will listen and act when and where He wants.

On a light and exciting note, Beau & Lydia turn SEVEN on Thursday.  We had their party at Chuck E. Cheese last Saturday and 18 kids showed up.  It was WILD!  Both docs at Mayo knew that I was serious when I told them I’d made major progress getting back into normal activities.  They agreed that any “normal” person would get dizzy in an environment like that and commended me for my bravery!  

Thank you, again and as always, for the many continued and faithful prayers.  I feel like a broken record but I very sincerely mean thank you.

Promises in the Wilderness

I made it to Nehemiah today!  I'm about 1/3 way through the Bible.  I cannot believe I have missed out on this historical perspective for the last 32 years since I became a Christian.  My goal is to ensure that my kids read the bible cover to cover early in their lives so that they will have a fuller, richer experience in all of their bible studies.  I want them to know who Zerubbabel, Ezra and Nehemiah were, what era they lived in and what their roles were. 

I've learned a lot of in-depth, beautiful, historical things and also random pieces of trivia.  For example, I want my kids to know there's actually a person named Nimrod in the bible and he wasn't a doofus or a dunce.  He was a mighty warrior! (Genesis 10:7-9)

Today I was referencing something back in Deuteronomy and ran across notes I had written in the margins throughout Chapter 8.  In this chapter, Moses is telling the Israelites to give God the credit due Him for all He has done, even in the midst of their wilderness wanderings.

Here's a link to the entire chapter:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=deuteronomy%208&version=NIV

Excerpts from Deuteronomy 8 (my highlights added)

¹Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors. ² Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” ¹⁸ But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.

Some of my notes from this chapter:

1) We reap God's promises when we are obedient

2) Desert experiences reveal who we are

3) It's all for our good

4) It's all for a reason

5) It's all because of love

This passage reminds me that in order to please God and reap His blessings we must first behave as he commands and expects us to.  We must live close to Him and not by our own or the world's standards of "good enough".  It also reminds me that when the fire gets hot, our true character and the core of who we are comes out.  We either negatively internalize and combust or we channel our hurts and devastation to the One who can see us through.  And in the end, through everything we experience - whether good or bad - it's all for our good.  V

erse 16 assures us that there's a purpose in what we go through:  "so that in the end it might go well with you."  God doesn't humble and test us because he can.  He does it because He knows best and He wants it to end well for us.  No matter how bad things get, his covenant is to LOVE me (Deuteronomy 7:9 says, "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.")

Over the last 18 months I have certainly felt I was in a dreadful wilderness, a thirsty and waterless land.  But I have also received His manna and water too.  Even through the hard times, God gives us what we need.  There have been some senseless events take place in our country this week.  And these things are happening all over the world.  I've also heard of horrible personal tragedies striking families close to my community.  My wilderness in no way compares to the ones these people are in and will go through for a very long time and some of them for life.  I've often asked it and I'm sure the people in Boston have asked it this week. 

WHY?!?

I refer myself and others back to the answers found in Deuteronomy 8:

1) Desert experiences reveal who we are

2) It's all for our good

3) It's all for a reason

4) It's all because of love

I can't imagine life without these promises of God.  I don't think God punishes the innocent to get our attention, but if getting our attention is a by-product of tragedy and wilderness experiences, then all is not lost.

Other Stuff

It's still been tough for my physically.  I should have started writing a book about all my crazy dreams at the beginning of this journey...  I have dreamed about more carnivals, amusement parks and high-cliff adventures than I could have thought possible.  It may make for entertaining reading one day!  I've added another medicine back in the mix since when I came off it, I got incredibly dizzy with no relief.  Jonathan and I are headed back to Mayo in Minnesota on May 20.  Talk about blessings in adversity... God planned our first trip to Mayo in October (beautiful weather; no snow) and now this visit in May (beautiful weather; no snow)!  We missed the Minnesota winter and we are soooo grateful!  I'll be meeting with my regular doctor and the first neurologist I met with back in October.  I am certainly looking forward to going over the last 6 months with them but at the same time I'm a little apprehensive.  I know that it's Satan trying to get me to believe that they won't have any answers or it will be another 6 months of trying different medicines and treatments.  I've resumed the practice of earnestly seeking God's divine healing.  Quite honestly I gave up on that several months ago and quit asking.  I've never lost faith that He CAN; I guess I quit believing that he WOULD. 

Thank you for continued prayers, love and support.  I still need them and appreciate them more than you know.  When I see people from time to time that I rarely talk to and they tell me they're praying for me every day, I almost get a little embarrassed.  I guess sometimes I don't feel I deserve so many dear and faithful people praying for me.  And I shouldn't feel that way.  I have come to realize that prayer is one of the most loving and generous gifts we can give each other.  And so I sincerely thank you for your faithfulness.