It's God's Battle

I know many of you think I've been feeling great, back to normal life since I haven't written in so long.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  A week from tomorrow marks the 18 month mark of this journey.  I've been numb a little, not necessarily to God, but just to the whole situation.  I've beat myself up often thinking that I'm still sick because I'm too hard-headed or oblivious to get the lesson.  I finally found peace realizing that God may not have a "big plan" he's working on; that his purpose may be to just teach me to be quiet and seek him in the small, daily things. So, I've quit being so hard on myself wondering if I'm falling short of what his plan is for me.  Now I'm trying to look for the small things that come each day.

One of my journal entries this week: "I'm still just SO frustrated - I know God loves me and there's great peace knowing He's in total control.  But this is a miserable existence from a physical standpoint."

And that pretty much sums up how I feel most days.  I've still had a few good days and a few good portions of days but I am still fighting through many days.  I am trying to be thankful for small wins - I got to attend our church's Easter egg hunt and Easter service with my family this year.  But then I also get bummed pretty easily too - I missed the kids Easter party at school for the 2nd year in a row.  I know that kind of stuff probably seems so trivial to most, but it's not to me.

I'm still reading my bible cover to cover.  I figure I'll finish early- to mid-2015.  I'm in 2nd Chronicles now.  This week I ran across an enlightening and extremely uplifting chapter.  It really hit me out of nowhere since the Chronicles are a recap of Samuel and Kings and they go into a lot of detail about the military and spiritual state of Judah during that time.  2 Chronicles 20 recaps King Jehoshaphat's (a godly king in Judah) and the Israelites' plea to God to rescue them from a battle and God's response.  Please take the time to read the whole chapter, it's really encouraging:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20chronicles%2020&version=NIV

Some key verses from this chapter (I added some emphasis):

vv. 6, 9  "Lord, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you... ‘If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us."

v. 12  "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you."

v. 15  "This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s."

v. 17  "stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you"

I guess in my state of numbness I forget the power of God sometimes.  I don't know if it's because I have resumed some "normal" activities or what but I don't find myself "crying out in distress" like I used to.  I don't know what to do about this ever, but I'm sure my eyes wander away from God. And I don't see it as a battle anymore but have almost accepted this fate and so I don't often remind myself it is an ongoing battle and God can give me victory.  I've settled into this "new norm" but not in a constructive way; in an "I'm tired of praying and asking for the same healing over and over and over again" way. 

Today in our life group we read Mark 4:35-41 where Jesus calms the storm:

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

I was convicted to the point that tears were stinging my eyes as I held them in.  It hit me in the face; the disciples' question echos the same one I've asked again and again over the last 18 months:

"Teacher, don’t you care if I drown?” (not literally of course)

Maybe I haven't waited to hear his response or maybe I've ignored it:

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to me, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

How ironic that this story takes place on a stormy, rocky boat.  As many of you know that's how I describe my physical state much of the time: "I feel like I've been deep sea fishing on a boat all day!"  I am going to search for a renewed faith over the coming days.  I am going to look for ways to hear Jesus say, "Quiet! Be still!" to my dizziness and brain fog; to clear the storm from my body that causes my boat to rock.

Other Stuff
I will be heading back to the Mayo Clinic in MN as soon as I can get an appointment.  A short version of the story is that through some medication changes and my responses my doctor again thinks there is more to the migraine story than first believed.  He is checking with my original neurologist to see if he wants to meet back with me or if he wants to refer me to a headache neurologist.  It takes months to get an appointment in Neurology so who knows when it will be.  As I understand it now, my primary Mayo doctor and a neuro doctor (my original one or a new one) will have a joint meeting/appointment when I go up there again.  I believe the medicine I will need to try to control the migraine will need to be monitored more closely and they need to do some baseline tests (probably blood work) before I begin taking it and that I'll probably be monitored more closely and regularly for a while.  I'm reading some of this between the lines from the last discussion with my doctor.  I'm very, very encouraged that I still have a doctor who is intent on finding answers.  He told me during our last call that this is extremely frustrating because there's not a silver bullet cure-all; it's lots of trial and error.  It's been 6 months since my original visit and the prognosis then was that I would have my "life back" in 3-6 months.  I still know God is the only one who can restore me but I still have hope that it may be through the doctors at Mayo.

My family is wonderful.  I am in awe every day of the blessing that my husband and children are to me.  If nothing else in this world is right, I know that I have something more precious than many, many people have and I count those blessings often.

Behind the Fence

There's one house that I try and avoid walking by when I'm out with Gator.  Unless I want to take a REALLY long way home it's hard to avoid it so I often suck it up and forge ahead.  In the backyard of this one particular house is another dog.  A big, scary dog!  I think it's some kind of hound dog.  He's got a low, menacing bark.  He has some sort of box that he jumps on so he can see over the fence.  He puts his front paws on the fence and barks and the entire fence shakes like it is about to come down.  Even Gator who tries to be ferocious to other dogs and people is humbled by this dog.  I dread that one day the shaky fence will collapse and Cujo will come after us.  (If you don't know who Cujo is, rent the Stephen King movie and you'll find out).

Since Gator is still with the trainer I've been riding my bike lately instead of walking.  As I was riding one day this week I felt a presence behind me.  I turned my head and saw Cujo right at my heels.  For a moment I panicked.  A car was driving by and asked, "Is that your dog?"  I managed to squeak out "No."  She threw her car in park and called, "Scout, come here!"  Cujo (aka Scout) went right over to her car wagging his tail.  By this time I had stopped my bike and was waiting for the next step.  As the lady in the car corralled him to get him back home, I realized something.  Scout was friendly, much smaller than I imagined and pretty obedient.  WHAT?!?  But, I've been terrified for months of this dog because he seemed so big and ferocious. 
God reminded once again through this encounter that the things "behind the fence" are never as big as they seem.  They're usually not as bad or troublesome as we make them out in our minds.  God always knows what's back there and he always knows what's best for us.  I guess as long as I'm human and have a finite brain he will have to keep teaching me these things.

I've written about the giants in my life before - how worrying about them doesn't do any good and how "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  I'm assuming others are no different from me and also need these reminders.

I'm sure the next time I'm out walking and Scout starts barking and shaking the fence that I'll quicken my steps a little, just to be on the safe side... but hopefully more than that I'll remember that God made Scout, God knows the safety of the fence and God won't let anything happen to me that He doesn't control.

Other Stuff
I've had a long stretch of more good days.  I've had crummy ones here and there too, but the good ones have been really good - normal good.  I was recently reading some of my journal from when this journey began and it made me ill to think of how bad it was at the beginning - when those vertigo attacks were coming fast and furiously and how horrifying they were.  I talked to a lady this week who is in that phase right now.  When I got off the phone I was close to tears.  I can relate to everything she is going through and I know how desperate she is for relief right now.  My friend, Summer, sent me an article recently on a study that was done on Meniere's patients with severe symptoms and their quality of life.  One comment from the article stated, "Meniere's disease patients are among the most severely impaired non-hospitalized patients studied thus far."  The study tracked the psychology impact of the condition on patients and results showed them on par regarding quality of life with patients with cancer and aids.  It made me sad but also relieved to know that I'm not alone.  I just pray that more families and doctors and friends will be aware of what a serious case of Meniere's Disease can do to people and the impact it can have.  I am one of the very very fortunate ones who have had nothing but love, compassion and concern from my family, friends and even some strangers.

As always, I sincerely thank everyone praying for me.  It is the most humbling experience when people I don't even know come up and tell me they're praying for me or send me a card in the mail.  Such little gestures mean more than you know.

One Way to Heaven

As most of you know I usually write from the point of my current state of mind/soul/health... what I'm going through, what God is teaching me through it or other observations where I see the work of God.  This week I feel convicted to be very blatant in what it means to be a Christian.  All of the things that I write about mean nothing without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  If you are reading this and you don't have that, please know everything I've written in prior posts is meaningless.

We lost a dear family friend last week, Ginni Burford.  She was teaching at school on a Monday and collapsed that afternoon while running an errand. She passed away 8 days later.  She was vibrant, full of life and seemingly healthy.  Two days ago, a friend of the Gregory's was killed in a car accident in an instant.  These sudden deaths have been a stark reminder of how short our lives here on earth truly are.  We never wake up thinking, "Today's gonna be my day to leave this world.  I better get my affairs in order."  That's why we must be READY at any moment.

I was talking with someone recently about this very subject.  This person said things like, "I'm a good person.... I'm religious.... I believe in God.... I read the Bible."  All of those things are great, but they are worthless unless you truly understand what it means and how to give your life to Christ and accept the gift he has given.

The first question to decide is, "Do you believe the Bible is God's word?"  If you believe the Bible is God's word, then you have to believe in ALL of it.  He wouldn't leave us His word to pick and choose pieces from it that we want to believe are true and dismiss the rest.  If we believe in God's word, we must accept it in its entirety.

If you do believe in God's word, there are four key scriptures you should know about.  Some people call this the "Roman Road" or the "Salvation Freeway" or probably other things as well.  It really doesn't matter what we label it.

Romans 3:23 - For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God

1.  Accept this statement.  We are ALL sinners.

Romans 6:23 - For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord

2.  Acknowledge that because of sin, we will ALL die.  It's the penalty of our sin.

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

3.  Accept that God loves us so much, he sent his son, Jesus, to die and pay the penalty for our sin.

Romans 10:9-10  - If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

4.  Confess out loud through prayer that you know Jesus died for you to save you from sin.

Salvation is that simple.  It doesn't mean you become a bible-beater or Jesus-freak, although that's not as negative as people make it out to be.  It just means you acknowledge your flaws and know that God loves you in spite of them.  You accept that without salvation you will not get eternal life in heaven.

Some people are so put off by Christianity and churches because of the hypocrisy and I totally get that.  Being a Christian doesn't mean you have to attend some stuffy or fake church that you're not comfortable in.  It does mean that you should strive to live your life in a way that is pleasing to God.  When you have a relationship with someone (Christ included) you want to spend time with them and get to know them.  You don't have to go to church or read your bible or tithe your money or serve others in ministry if you become a Christian.  The Bible never says any of that is a condition of your salvation.  However, if you truly make a heart-felt profession of salvation and fully understand all that Jesus did for you, you will want to be with other Christians and find a church you love, you will want to pray, you will want to read your bible and get to know more about God.  It's a natural progression.

Being a Christian doesn't mean life is easy.  By no means (have you read the last year of my blog????)!  Once you accept the gift of salvation, you will wake the sleeping giant in your life - Satan.  1 Peter 5:8 says, "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  There are many Christians who love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength who go through really, really bad things.  The big difference between a Christian and non-Christian is that as Christians we have HOPE in something greater than us, a promise of an eternity in heaven, a comfort that is unexplainable (And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.  ---Philippians 4:7). 
I hope if you're reading this that you are a "good person," that you do read your bible and pray.  But more importantly I hope you truly understand what it means to be saved.  It's really quite simple and it will change your life!!!!

Other News
There has been a change for the better in my good days over the last weeks.  Many of the good days haven't just been good days, they've been almost "normal" days like pre-October 2011!  It's incredible.  I have done some activities - gone to church, driven, eaten out - with NO dizziness.  I didn't have to fight to get through them.  I can't describe how liberating it has been.  On the flip side there have been some AWFUL days... it seems I came out of the dizzy all day, every day mode and started swinging to the really good or the really bad.  BUT there's still praise because the bad days aren't always lasting for days or weeks.  I may have a really bad day sandwiched between 2 good ones.  This is awesome and so encouraging.  Before when I hit a bad day I knew the entire week ahead would be rough.  Now I have hope that it may only last a short while.  The nights are still pretty rough.  It seems that's when I'm always really rocky (like I've been deep sea fishing all day) and I still have horrible dreams about crazy amusement park rides a lot.  But there are some nights the rocking doesn't last long and I get to sleep and have no dreams.  Also, writing, reading, computer work are still a challenge.  So I don't respond to many e-mails and haven't written here in a while.  I'm not sure why those things are so tough, but they are.  I'm doing work from home for my company, Faulk & Foster, which requires computer time, so I'm really having to pace myself.  F&F has been an INCREDIBLE blessing to me the last 8 years and they continue to be.  They hired an HR Manager to replace me, but they are keeping me on staff in a consulting role to work from home on a project-basis.  I am almost speechless at the love and care and support they give to me.  And they are allowing me to continue doing something I love, for a company I love - and I'm getting paid!!!!  I thank God regularly for the blessing of my job.

Beau is doing incredible since his tonsillectomy.  He is healthy and happy.  It is SUCH a joy to see him feeling good.  Lydia's doing great too.  Preliminary tests for her health issue are pointing in a good direction.  So HUGE PRAISE for these blessings.  They are also straight A students. It is humbling to know that they are so bright and they don't have to struggle in school.  I have friends whose kids do struggle and I acknowledge this is truly a blessing and a gift from God.  Jonathan seems to be doing better since the improvement in my health.  I hated feeling the burden he carried trying to do everything on his plate plus taking care of me, the kids and generally running the daily life of the family.  He'll be 40 next month and I can't wait for him to catch up with me so I don't have to hear about how he's "still 39" anymore!

My only problem child, Gator, has been with the trainer for almost 2 weeks.  He has learned a lot but will still need some more time there.  I just hope we can use those same techniques when he gets home to his "turf"!

There are days I am in awe of the blessings in my life.  Even with all the dizzy days over the last 16 months, I cannot fathom how I have been so blessed by so many other good things.  I'm often at a loss for words to express my gratitude.

I know so so so many of you continue to pray for me and my family.  For that too, I am grateful beyond expression for your faithfulness.

Internal or Eternal

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18

I must be really hard-headed.  Actually, I am really hard-headed... there's no "must be" about it.  I've always been stubborn and unfortunately, always will be.  Sickness or not, valley or not, wilderness or not, I'm still wired the same way I was when I entered this world.  I've learned a lot over the last 15 months, but God hasn't altered my hard-wires and He doesn't intend to.  If I was perfect, I'd be like Jesus and wouldn't need God.  And so he made me, flaws and all, knowing that I will always be imperfect.  There are many, many more imperfections, but hard-headedness is one of them and I get it honest (thanks Dad - love ya!).

And so as I keep longing to be "normal" again I realize there's a reason that I'm not.  Last week I was out walking and thinking, "maybe by this summer I'll be ready to teach a life group again."  And I felt God say, "2012 was your year of desperate dependence on me.  You could do nothing on your own and you learned what it means to totally depend on me.  2013 will be your year of abiding.  Abiding in me and learning everything you need to - new habits, new scripture, new ways to listen to and walk with me.  Don't rush the ministry opportunities."

And that helps me understand some of the delay in full healing back to "normal."  I believe God is trying to teach me habits that I will carry over into the "normal" days.  For example, I NEVER in a million years would have prayed daily over the "mundane" activities that I had to do (laundry, going for a walk, cooking supper) but in the last 15 months there have been MANY days that I had to pray to get  me through those very things.  I used to pray over the big things I had going on (a big work meeting, a long drive, a hectic day running errands) but I've learned to pray over all the things I need to accomplish and I hope that I will continue this habit when I'm well.

I LOVE Andy Stanley.  He's an incredible speaker and author; he's the pastor of North Point Community Church in Atlanta, GA.  If you're not familiar with him, check out his church's YouTube site and some of his sermons:
http://www.youtube.com/northpointministries

One study of his is "The Best Question Ever" (SPOILER ALERT: The question is... "Is This the Wise Thing For Me To Do?"  And he recommends going through this question and the potential outcomes and answers in making life decisions, big or small.  Over the last couple of weeks God is teaching me to ask what I think is "The 2nd Best Question Ever"...  "In light of eternity, does (fill in an activity) really matter?"  For example, I was having a dizzy day a few days ago and soooo upset and thinking, "God, I don't want to spend another day doing nothing or laying around or...." and then I thought, "In light of eternity, is laying around today and not accomplishing anything really that big a deal?"  Uh, NO!  We have a mother/son night at our church this Friday and when I got the invitation in the mail, my heart just leaped into my throat and made me sick.  I thought, "Another thing my kids have to miss out on..."  But then I asked myself, "In light of eternity, is going to the mother/son night that important?"  Uh, NOPE!  But guess what? Staying home with Beau that night and making him feel special just might.

I hope that using this question to guide my thoughts and responses to activities will be one of those habits God is teaching me and allowing me to hone in this valley so that when I'm up on the mountaintop once again I will still follow it.  If you've never asked yourself the question, I set the challenge before you over the next few days.  When you're getting stressed over things or considering participation in an event or activity, stop and ask "In light of eternity, does (fill in an activity) really matter?"  And don't just gloss over the Q&A period.  Truly think of what it means to have an eternal perspective, think about all the things you can/can't take with you when you go, think about the legacy you want to leave and think about what answer God would give to the question.

Other Stuff
I've had a couple of bad days since I last wrote but I've also had some INCREDIBLY GREAT days.  I went to life group and church on Sunday and out to lunch with my family.  I haven't been to life group and church on the same day in probably a year or so.  YAY!!!!  I'm trying to challenge myself more with driving to build up some confidence.  I am becoming very aware that lack of sleep and stress definitely factor in to dizzy days.  So, I'm a little more "old-lady-ish" (sorry if you're an old lady and this offended you) about my activities and resting more in between them.  There are still days when I think I'm invincible and push too hard and pay for it when I lay down at night.  God has definitely made us very wonderfully and so intricately!

Final thoughts and a summary of the Gregory household this week:
New water heater = $300+
Plumber = $400+
ServePro Water Clean-Up for 7 days = $homeowner's deductible
Both kids back upstairs in their own beds tonight = priceless

An Undisciplined Life

My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.   ---Proverbs 3:11-12

Mirriam-Webster defines discipline as "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character."

James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I think James could have said, "whenever you face trials/suffering/discipline of many kinds." 

I've learned another lesson through our dog, Gator.  I call him a "dumb dog" (not in front of the kids), but for a "dumb dog" God sure does use him to teach me a lot.  He's 10 months old and weighs about 50 (maybe more) pounds.  He is solid muscle.  He's hard-headed and stubborn.  He's bad.  He tears up everything in our yard - wooden swing (demolished), Lydia's socks (swallowed WHOLE), kids' toys (broken to bits), trampoline net (torn), blanket to keep him warm at night (shredded), etc... Whenever we try to walk onto the back patio, we can hardly get out the door from him jumping all over us.  And with all the wet weather we've had, he's a muddy mess and makes us all muddy messes.  He barks like mad if we're on the other side of the fence from him and when I walk him he often hurts me because he pulls me all over the place.  I've had whiplash on more than one occasion from a walk-gone-bad and my thighs and legs are often bruised because of his jumping.  He's like the obnoxious, annoying kid that no one wants to play with.  Gator has no friends.  Jonathan and I have wavered back and forth often since we got him on whether or not to give him away, even though we've sunk most of the kids' college money into him already (not really, but it feels like it).  Last week we found someone to take him.  But then we got cold feet.  We knew the kids would be crushed so we decided to wait.  Jonathan talked to a friend who trains dogs and he has agreed to help.  Gator will be gone for a month or more during this time.  Our friend made a comment that has resonated with me, "He wasn't born knowing how to behave.  You have to give him guidelines and discipline so he knows what to do."

Just like humans, dogs need rules.  The only way to teach the rules (to humans or dogs) is through discipline (sometimes trials and suffering).  And not discipline in the sense of punishment, but discipline to help grow and learn.

No one likes discipline - dogs, kids, me.  It's often uncomfortable, it often takes time, it's often not what we want.  But in the case of Gator, I know that discipline will make him calmer, more likable and we will actually want to be around him.  It's not his fault he's a "holy terror" (as the kids refer to him).  It's because he hasn't been trained.  And so I realize that when God is training/disciplining/putting me through trials, it's so I'll follow his rules, gain maturity and hopefully, become more lovable.  It's so I'll be a person that brings him joy.  It's so I'll understand my boundaries and live within them so I won't get hurt or hurt others.  As the Proverb says, he does it because he loves me, wants the best for me and delights in me.

I'm so glad to have such a "dumb dog" in my life!

The one time in his life that Gator sat still and behaved.

Other News
I've been taking my 2nd medicine for over a week now.  Other than being a little groggy, I had about 7 great days in a row with not much dizziness - PRAISE GOD!  But the last 2 days have been really, really rough with headache and a lot of dizziness.  I'm hoping these 2 days are a small bump and I'll get back onto the good days VERY soon.  Reading and computer work (like typing) are still hard on me.  I'm not sure why exactly.  Honestly, if I can get the other aspects of my life back (driving and getting out), I will live with the problems reading and computers cause me!

Beau's surgery last week went GREAT.  Dr. Mickey said his right ear was infected when she put the tube in, even though he'd been taking antibiotics for a week.  She said his nose and throat were gunky and that he was a sick little kid.  The adenoids she removed 4 years ago had grown back.  So, he had tubes put back in both ears and his adenoids and tonsils out.  He did AWESOME.  He hasn't taken anything but Tylenol since surgery (even when he was in the hospital).  He's slept good and hasn't complained at all.  He is the best patient EVER!  I know that in a couple of weeks when his surgery wounds heal he will feel like a much different kid - he'll feel healthy and won't be in pain.

From Caterpillar to Butterfly

My dearest friend in the world sent me an e-mail this week in response to my frustration that I'm not well yet.  She is a steadfast prayer warrior and forever-encourager.  She knows my daily ups-and-downs and the condition of my heart that goes along with the roller coaster ride.  Her insight is amazing and so instead of writing myself on this post, I'm sharing her thoughts. 

Published with permission from my dear friend, Summer Powell.

There are 4 stages of a butterfly's life cycle:

1. Egg - The egg is laid on a select leaf.  The egg is somewhat transparent, and, if you look closely, you can actually see the tiny caterpillar growing inside.  In this stage, the caterpillar is well-protected and really has no purpose.

2. Caterpillar/Larva - Once it has hatched from the egg, the primary purpose of the caterpillar is to eat and grow.  The first thing it eats is the leaf where it was laid.  Knowing this, the mother carefully selects the leaf that the caterpillar needs to eat.  Caterpillars can grow 100 times their size during this stage.  Because of the rapid growth, their skin cannot grow with them.  It actually splits and breaks off.  They shed several layers of outgrown skin during this stage.  

3. Chrysalis - Occurs when full growth has occurred and they are ready for the next level.  During this stage, they wrap themselves up in a cocoon (often made of silk) or pull themselves away.  It may look like nothing is going on but big changes are happening on the inside.  While appearing to be doing nothing, they are changed literally from the inside out. They enter in short and stubby with no wings and emerge with new tissues, limbs, organs and a new purpose.  All the components of a butterfly are already there in the caterpillar, but this time of isolation is necessary to allow them to develop and emerge.

4. Adult butterfly - Wings are initially soft and folded from the cramped space in the cocoon.  Within hours, they have spread their wings and learned to fly.  The main goal of this stage is reproduction.  By laying more eggs, the life cycle can begin again.

So, the parallels are pretty obvious, but here are my thoughts:

1. I see the egg as an immature Christian.  You are kind of just a shell with a growing being inside; really no purpose, or at least, unsure of your purpose.  It's no accident where you land for your period of growth.  God carefully selects the “leaf” where you will emerge for your growth phase, knowing what you will be able to digest and what will help you grow to your greatest potential.  

2. The purpose is to eat and grow.  You are to devour as much of the Word--the bread of life--and to learn as much as possible to facilitate growth.  The period of growth is not comfortable or easy (remember the splitting, shedding skin?).  You may have to outgrow some things or people during this stage.  It is just to get you to your full potential.  

**I feel like this is where you have been since October 2011.  You've been learning, listening, and experiencing growth, howbeit uncomfortable.  Your leaf was Meniere's in Monroe.  For whatever reason, that is what God determined was best for your growth, to bring out the beautiful butterfly inside.**

3. The cocoon is a period of separation (maybe where you are now?). It reminds me of II Corinthians 6:17 "Come out from among them and be ye separate."  You've done the studying.  The growth has happened.  Now wrap yourself inside of His word and His wings and rest.  Allow yourself to be changed from the inside out. Romans 12:2 "...be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..."  All the elements of what you are to be are in place.  This time of rest and solitude is necessary, though, to allow them to fully develop and emerge.  Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

4. The mature butterfly’s main goal is reproduction.  In our case, it is sharing the love of Jesus, spreading the good news.  Your skills and abilities of teaching and leading will be utilized to their greatest potential during this phase.  An adult butterfly can travel much farther, and have an exponentially greater sphere of influence than a caterpillar.  You will be able to have a greater impact and plant more seeds than ever before.  When the seed is planted, then the life cycle can begin again with other developing butterflies.

Nicole's note:  How can I add to this beautiful description?  I am so incredibly blessed to have a friend so inspired by God with these thoughts.  Thank you Summer! 

Other News

I feel guilty that I lamented on and on and on last week about life in the Gregory home.  What I failed to mention or recognize are all of the wonderful friends and prayer partners that I have.  I continue to be blessed with friends and supporters who do kind and wonderful things for our family and I am sincerely grateful.  Thank you for the outpouring of love and offers this week (and all of the other times).

I talked to my main doctor at the Mayo Clinic on Friday after he and my neurologist there had consulted.  He said that CSD has really only been treated the last 10 years so anything they try and do with me is still fairly experimental.  Not in the sense they don't know what they're doing, there's just not enough data to know definitively what will work for everyone.  He said my headaches are a greater issue than they first believed and so we now have a plan to get those under control.  Headaches/migraine can actually cause dizziness so I may be dealing with a 2-fold issue.  I started an additional medication this week.  I will introduce it into my system slowly over the next few weeks.  It's like the Zoloft in that it may take a while to work, for the side-effects to die down and for us to figure out which dosage is best.  And we will also be working with this new med and the Zoloft to find the right balance between the two.  So, at the 3 month mark we're still working to get it right.  I am a little bummed but I try and take it one day at a time.

 

Gregory Family Update

I can't believe I haven't written in so long.  Here's an update on life in the Gregory home. 

We had a good Christmas.  We tried to scale back on gifts so that we could focus on the gift of Jesus.  I can't say that we completely succeeded but I feel confident that we reminded our children enough that hopefully some of the message sunk in.  Beau did pray often during the week of Christmas, "it's not about the gifts but it's about you Jesus."  Even though he talked about gifts A LOT the message did get through as much as possible for a 6 year old. 

I wish I could give a great health report.  The truth is, I haven't written in several weeks because I have been feeling really bad.  It started Christmas Eve and most days since haven't been especially great.  I've had some good days and good times during days but overall I am still dizzy much of the time.  The nights have gotten worse and the days have actually been a little worse too.  I finally found a way that I think describes how I go through the day... the next time you are doing something (brushing your teeth, eating a meal, cooking, shopping, playing with your kids, reading a book, working), stop what you're doing and spin (either standing or if you're in a chair that spins) about 10 times fast and then immediately resume what you were doing.  That's pretty much how I feel all day, every day - sometimes it's as though I've just spun around once or twice and it's a dull dizziness; other times it's like I've spun around 20 times and it's crazy dizziness.  When you do it, it wears off after a few seconds.  With me that feeling lingers in my brain always.  Hopefully that can give everyone a better idea of what I fight all day, every day just to function.  Try it just as you're climbing in to bed to sleep.  At night the spinning usually lasts about an hour before I can fall asleep.  I'm not writing all this so you'll feel sorry for me.  I just want to try and let you experience my world and understand when I say I'm dizzy all the time. 

In addition to the dizzies not going away, my headaches have been much more frequent.  My primary contact at Mayo, Dr. Staab, is conferring with my neurologist at Mayo this week.  He feels we need a plan to address the headaches.  Please pray with me that we will find an answer soon.  I have been on Zoloft and have been doing my therapy for 12 weeks.  To be where I am this far in is extremely frustrating for me and it's obviously taking it's toll on my family.  I feel so bad for Jonathan - he's pulled in 100 directions between work, errands, groceries, kids' activities and all the other little things that come up.  And my mom continues to do way more than her fair-share for us.  She is always willing and says it's a blessing, but she's a human with physical needs for rest too!  I totally understand now why the elderly will drive until they are completely blind and senile.  Losing your independence and relying on others for so much is tough.  The real blessing is I have become a savvy and pro at on-line shopping.  People are shocked when I tell them I do everything but groceries on-line: toothpaste, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, soap, dog food, kids' clothes... imagine a life without stepping foot in Wal-Mart.  That's my life and for that blessing I AM extremely grateful!

The kids are going through some health issues too.  Beau has been in/out of doctor's offices for the past 5 months with chronic ear infections.  They hurt so bad he sobs and throws up from the pain.  It is crushing to see him suffer.  He is having tubes re-inserted in his ears next week along with a tonsillectomy.  This will put him out of school and "down" for 2 weeks.  It will be well worth it but I feel sorry the little guy has to go through such a painful surgery.  Lydia had her tonsils out 3 years ago so at least we know what to expect and we know the much-improved-health post-surgery is all worth it.

Lydia has had some on-going issues and we were recently referred to a doctor at LSU-Shreveport.  In his 30+ years of practice he hasn't seen this.  He said he's "puzzled" (his word) by Lydia's symptoms.  So we have several tests and visits to Shreveport scheduled.  Again, another stressor on Jonathan to take time off work to transport us all back and forth.  Lydia's condition isn't life-threatening or painful but it could cause serious problems down the road if we don't find out what's going on.

So, that's life with the Gregory's - 3 out of 4 dealing with health issues and the 4th bearing the brunt of all of it.  I am struggling with the spiritual aspect in all of this.  I know God has a plan for us, I know God loves us.  But I honestly don't wake up every day with a zip in my step and a song in my heart.  I try and I pray fervently to keep the right perspective.  I feel at peace that God doesn't expect me to whistle and smile my way through life.  He knows this is tough.  I picture myself in a violent storm where the rain is coming straight down and the wind is all around me.  The sky is black and I can barely take a step forward because my boots are buried in the muck.  It takes all of my energy to walk just a few steps and by the end of those days I am physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted.  But yesterday I visualized me flowing through a meadow in the bright sunshine.  I was barefoot and floated along.  That's not today's reality but I cling to the hope that it will be soon.

I know that so many of you continue to pray for us daily and it is overwhelming to know we are thought of so often.  Please know that I still realize our problems are nothing compared to so many others.  I know God is good and God loves us.  But on those muddy, rainy days it just takes a little more energy and effort to remember that.