So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18
I must be really hard-headed. Actually, I am really hard-headed... there's no "must be" about it. I've always been stubborn and unfortunately, always will be. Sickness or not, valley or not, wilderness or not, I'm still wired the same way I was when I entered this world. I've learned a lot over the last 15 months, but God hasn't altered my hard-wires and He doesn't intend to. If I was perfect, I'd be like Jesus and wouldn't need God. And so he made me, flaws and all, knowing that I will always be imperfect. There are many, many more imperfections, but hard-headedness is one of them and I get it honest (thanks Dad - love ya!).
And so as I keep longing to be "normal" again I realize there's a reason that I'm not. Last week I was out walking and thinking, "maybe by this summer I'll be ready to teach a life group again." And I felt God say, "2012 was your year of desperate dependence on me. You could do nothing on your own and you learned what it means to totally depend on me. 2013 will be your year of abiding. Abiding in me and learning everything you need to - new habits, new scripture, new ways to listen to and walk with me. Don't rush the ministry opportunities."
And that helps me understand some of the delay in full healing back to "normal." I believe God is trying to teach me habits that I will carry over into the "normal" days. For example, I NEVER in a million years would have prayed daily over the "mundane" activities that I had to do (laundry, going for a walk, cooking supper) but in the last 15 months there have been MANY days that I had to pray to get me through those very things. I used to pray over the big things I had going on (a big work meeting, a long drive, a hectic day running errands) but I've learned to pray over all the things I need to accomplish and I hope that I will continue this habit when I'm well.
I LOVE Andy Stanley. He's an incredible speaker and author; he's the pastor of North Point Community Church in Atlanta, GA. If you're not familiar with him, check out his church's YouTube site and some of his sermons:
http://www.youtube.com/northpointministries
One study of his is "The Best Question Ever" (SPOILER ALERT: The question is... "Is This the Wise Thing For Me To Do?" And he recommends going through this question and the potential outcomes and answers in making life decisions, big or small. Over the last couple of weeks God is teaching me to ask what I think is "The 2nd Best Question Ever"... "In light of eternity, does (fill in an activity) really matter?" For example, I was having a dizzy day a few days ago and soooo upset and thinking, "God, I don't want to spend another day doing nothing or laying around or...." and then I thought, "In light of eternity, is laying around today and not accomplishing anything really that big a deal?" Uh, NO! We have a mother/son night at our church this Friday and when I got the invitation in the mail, my heart just leaped into my throat and made me sick. I thought, "Another thing my kids have to miss out on..." But then I asked myself, "In light of eternity, is going to the mother/son night that important?" Uh, NOPE! But guess what? Staying home with Beau that night and making him feel special just might.
I hope that using this question to guide my thoughts and responses to activities will be one of those habits God is teaching me and allowing me to hone in this valley so that when I'm up on the mountaintop once again I will still follow it. If you've never asked yourself the question, I set the challenge before you over the next few days. When you're getting stressed over things or considering participation in an event or activity, stop and ask "In light of eternity, does (fill in an activity) really matter?" And don't just gloss over the Q&A period. Truly think of what it means to have an eternal perspective, think about all the things you can/can't take with you when you go, think about the legacy you want to leave and think about what answer God would give to the question.
Other Stuff
I've had a couple of bad days since I last wrote but I've also had some INCREDIBLY GREAT days. I went to life group and church on Sunday and out to lunch with my family. I haven't been to life group and church on the same day in probably a year or so. YAY!!!! I'm trying to challenge myself more with driving to build up some confidence. I am becoming very aware that lack of sleep and stress definitely factor in to dizzy days. So, I'm a little more "old-lady-ish" (sorry if you're an old lady and this offended you) about my activities and resting more in between them. There are still days when I think I'm invincible and push too hard and pay for it when I lay down at night. God has definitely made us very wonderfully and so intricately!
Final thoughts and a summary of the Gregory household this week:
New water heater = $300+
Plumber = $400+
ServePro Water Clean-Up for 7 days = $homeowner's deductible
Both kids back upstairs in their own beds tonight = priceless
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
An Undisciplined Life
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. ---Proverbs 3:11-12
Mirriam-Webster defines discipline as "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character."
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I think James could have said, "whenever you face trials/suffering/discipline of many kinds."
I've learned another lesson through our dog, Gator. I call him a "dumb dog" (not in front of the kids), but for a "dumb dog" God sure does use him to teach me a lot. He's 10 months old and weighs about 50 (maybe more) pounds. He is solid muscle. He's hard-headed and stubborn. He's bad. He tears up everything in our yard - wooden swing (demolished), Lydia's socks (swallowed WHOLE), kids' toys (broken to bits), trampoline net (torn), blanket to keep him warm at night (shredded), etc... Whenever we try to walk onto the back patio, we can hardly get out the door from him jumping all over us. And with all the wet weather we've had, he's a muddy mess and makes us all muddy messes. He barks like mad if we're on the other side of the fence from him and when I walk him he often hurts me because he pulls me all over the place. I've had whiplash on more than one occasion from a walk-gone-bad and my thighs and legs are often bruised because of his jumping. He's like the obnoxious, annoying kid that no one wants to play with. Gator has no friends. Jonathan and I have wavered back and forth often since we got him on whether or not to give him away, even though we've sunk most of the kids' college money into him already (not really, but it feels like it). Last week we found someone to take him. But then we got cold feet. We knew the kids would be crushed so we decided to wait. Jonathan talked to a friend who trains dogs and he has agreed to help. Gator will be gone for a month or more during this time. Our friend made a comment that has resonated with me, "He wasn't born knowing how to behave. You have to give him guidelines and discipline so he knows what to do."
Just like humans, dogs need rules. The only way to teach the rules (to humans or dogs) is through discipline (sometimes trials and suffering). And not discipline in the sense of punishment, but discipline to help grow and learn.
No one likes discipline - dogs, kids, me. It's often uncomfortable, it often takes time, it's often not what we want. But in the case of Gator, I know that discipline will make him calmer, more likable and we will actually want to be around him. It's not his fault he's a "holy terror" (as the kids refer to him). It's because he hasn't been trained. And so I realize that when God is training/disciplining/putting me through trials, it's so I'll follow his rules, gain maturity and hopefully, become more lovable. It's so I'll be a person that brings him joy. It's so I'll understand my boundaries and live within them so I won't get hurt or hurt others. As the Proverb says, he does it because he loves me, wants the best for me and delights in me.
I'm so glad to have such a "dumb dog" in my life!
Other News
I've been taking my 2nd medicine for over a week now. Other than being a little groggy, I had about 7 great days in a row with not much dizziness - PRAISE GOD! But the last 2 days have been really, really rough with headache and a lot of dizziness. I'm hoping these 2 days are a small bump and I'll get back onto the good days VERY soon. Reading and computer work (like typing) are still hard on me. I'm not sure why exactly. Honestly, if I can get the other aspects of my life back (driving and getting out), I will live with the problems reading and computers cause me!
Beau's surgery last week went GREAT. Dr. Mickey said his right ear was infected when she put the tube in, even though he'd been taking antibiotics for a week. She said his nose and throat were gunky and that he was a sick little kid. The adenoids she removed 4 years ago had grown back. So, he had tubes put back in both ears and his adenoids and tonsils out. He did AWESOME. He hasn't taken anything but Tylenol since surgery (even when he was in the hospital). He's slept good and hasn't complained at all. He is the best patient EVER! I know that in a couple of weeks when his surgery wounds heal he will feel like a much different kid - he'll feel healthy and won't be in pain.
Mirriam-Webster defines discipline as "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character."
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I think James could have said, "whenever you face trials/suffering/discipline of many kinds."
I've learned another lesson through our dog, Gator. I call him a "dumb dog" (not in front of the kids), but for a "dumb dog" God sure does use him to teach me a lot. He's 10 months old and weighs about 50 (maybe more) pounds. He is solid muscle. He's hard-headed and stubborn. He's bad. He tears up everything in our yard - wooden swing (demolished), Lydia's socks (swallowed WHOLE), kids' toys (broken to bits), trampoline net (torn), blanket to keep him warm at night (shredded), etc... Whenever we try to walk onto the back patio, we can hardly get out the door from him jumping all over us. And with all the wet weather we've had, he's a muddy mess and makes us all muddy messes. He barks like mad if we're on the other side of the fence from him and when I walk him he often hurts me because he pulls me all over the place. I've had whiplash on more than one occasion from a walk-gone-bad and my thighs and legs are often bruised because of his jumping. He's like the obnoxious, annoying kid that no one wants to play with. Gator has no friends. Jonathan and I have wavered back and forth often since we got him on whether or not to give him away, even though we've sunk most of the kids' college money into him already (not really, but it feels like it). Last week we found someone to take him. But then we got cold feet. We knew the kids would be crushed so we decided to wait. Jonathan talked to a friend who trains dogs and he has agreed to help. Gator will be gone for a month or more during this time. Our friend made a comment that has resonated with me, "He wasn't born knowing how to behave. You have to give him guidelines and discipline so he knows what to do."
Just like humans, dogs need rules. The only way to teach the rules (to humans or dogs) is through discipline (sometimes trials and suffering). And not discipline in the sense of punishment, but discipline to help grow and learn.
No one likes discipline - dogs, kids, me. It's often uncomfortable, it often takes time, it's often not what we want. But in the case of Gator, I know that discipline will make him calmer, more likable and we will actually want to be around him. It's not his fault he's a "holy terror" (as the kids refer to him). It's because he hasn't been trained. And so I realize that when God is training/disciplining/putting me through trials, it's so I'll follow his rules, gain maturity and hopefully, become more lovable. It's so I'll be a person that brings him joy. It's so I'll understand my boundaries and live within them so I won't get hurt or hurt others. As the Proverb says, he does it because he loves me, wants the best for me and delights in me.
I'm so glad to have such a "dumb dog" in my life!
 |
| The one time in his life that Gator sat still and behaved. |
Other News
I've been taking my 2nd medicine for over a week now. Other than being a little groggy, I had about 7 great days in a row with not much dizziness - PRAISE GOD! But the last 2 days have been really, really rough with headache and a lot of dizziness. I'm hoping these 2 days are a small bump and I'll get back onto the good days VERY soon. Reading and computer work (like typing) are still hard on me. I'm not sure why exactly. Honestly, if I can get the other aspects of my life back (driving and getting out), I will live with the problems reading and computers cause me!
Beau's surgery last week went GREAT. Dr. Mickey said his right ear was infected when she put the tube in, even though he'd been taking antibiotics for a week. She said his nose and throat were gunky and that he was a sick little kid. The adenoids she removed 4 years ago had grown back. So, he had tubes put back in both ears and his adenoids and tonsils out. He did AWESOME. He hasn't taken anything but Tylenol since surgery (even when he was in the hospital). He's slept good and hasn't complained at all. He is the best patient EVER! I know that in a couple of weeks when his surgery wounds heal he will feel like a much different kid - he'll feel healthy and won't be in pain.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
From Caterpillar to Butterfly
My dearest friend in the world sent me an e-mail this week in response to my frustration that I'm not well yet. She is a steadfast prayer warrior and forever-encourager. She knows my daily ups-and-downs and the condition of my heart that goes along with the roller coaster ride. Her insight is amazing and so instead of writing myself on this post, I'm sharing her thoughts.
Published with permission from my dear friend, Summer Powell.
There are 4 stages of a butterfly's life cycle:
So, the parallels are pretty obvious, but here are my thoughts:
Published with permission from my dear friend, Summer Powell.
There are 4 stages of a butterfly's life cycle:
- Egg - The egg is laid on a select leaf. The egg is somewhat transparent, and, if you look closely, you can actually see the tiny caterpillar growing inside. In this stage, the caterpillar is well-protected and really has no purpose.
- Caterpillar/Larva - Once it has hatched from the egg, the primary purpose of the caterpillar is to eat and grow. The first thing it eats is the leaf where it was laid. Knowing this, the mother carefully selects the leaf that the caterpillar needs to eat. Caterpillars can grow 100 times their size during this stage. Because of the rapid growth, their skin cannot grow with them. It actually splits and breaks off. They shed several layers of outgrown skin during this stage.
- Chrysalis - Occurs when full growth has occurred and they are ready for the next level. During this stage, they wrap themselves up in a cocoon (often made of silk) or pull themselves away. It may look like nothing is going on but big changes are happening on the inside. While appearing to be doing nothing, they are changed literally from the inside out. They enter in short and stubby with no wings and emerge with new tissues, limbs, organs and a new purpose. All the components of a butterfly are already there in the caterpillar, but this time of isolation is necessary to allow them to develop and emerge.
- Adult butterfly - Wings are initially soft and folded from the cramped space in the cocoon. Within hours, they have spread their wings and learned to fly. The main goal of this stage is reproduction. By laying more eggs, the life cycle can begin again.
So, the parallels are pretty obvious, but here are my thoughts:
- I see the egg as an immature Christian. You are kind of just a shell with a growing being inside; really no purpose, or at least, unsure of your purpose. It's no accident where you land for your period of growth. God carefully selects the “leaf” where you will emerge for your growth phase, knowing what you will be able to digest and what will help you grow to your greatest potential.
- The purpose is to eat and grow. You are to devour as much of the Word--the bread of life--and to learn as much as possible to facilitate growth. The period of growth is not comfortable or easy (remember the splitting, shedding skin?). You may have to outgrow some things or people during this stage. It is just to get you to your full potential.
**I feel like this is where you have been since October 2011. You've been learning, listening, and experiencing growth, howbeit uncomfortable. Your leaf was Meniere's in Monroe
- The cocoon is a period of separation (maybe where you are now?). It reminds me of II Corinthians 6:17 "Come out from among them and be ye separate." You've done the studying. The growth has happened. Now wrap yourself inside of His word and His wings and rest. Allow yourself to be changed from the inside out. Romans 12:2 "...be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..." All the elements of what you are to be are in place. This time of rest and solitude is necessary, though, to allow them to fully develop and emerge. Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
- The mature butterfly’s main goal is reproduction. In our case, it is sharing the love of Jesus, spreading the good news. Your skills and abilities of teaching and leading will be utilized to their greatest potential during this phase. An adult butterfly can travel much farther, and have an exponentially greater sphere of influence than a caterpillar. You will be able to have a greater impact and plant more seeds than ever before. When the seed is planted, then the life cycle can begin again with other developing butterflies.
Nicole's note: How can I add to this beautiful description? I am so incredibly blessed to have a friend so inspired by God with these thoughts. Thank you Summer!
Other News
I feel guilty that I lamented on and on and on last week about life in the Gregory home. What I failed to mention or recognize are all of the wonderful friends and prayer partners that I have. I continue to be blessed with friends and supporters who do kind and wonderful things for our family and I am sincerely grateful. Thank you for the outpouring of love and offers this week (and all of the other times).
I talked to my main doctor at the Mayo Clinic on Friday after he and my neurologist there had consulted. He said that CSD has really only been treated the last 10 years so anything they try and do with me is still fairly experimental. Not in the sense they don't know what they're doing, there's just not enough data to know definitively what will work for everyone. He said my headaches are a greater issue than they first believed and so we now have a plan to get those under control. Headaches/migraine can actually cause dizziness so I may be dealing with a 2-fold issue. I started an additional medication this week. I will introduce it into my system slowly over the next few weeks. It's like the Zoloft in that it may take a while to work, for the side-effects to die down and for us to figure out which dosage is best. And we will also be working with this new med and the Zoloft to find the right balance between the two. So, at the 3 month mark we're still working to get it right. I am a little bummed but I try and take it one day at a time.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Gregory Family Update
I can't believe I haven't written in so long. Here's an update on life in the Gregory home.
We had a good Christmas. We tried to scale back on gifts so that we could focus on the gift of Jesus. I can't say that we completely succeeded but I feel confident that we reminded our children enough that hopefully some of the message sunk in. Beau did pray often during the week of Christmas, "it's not about the gifts but it's about you Jesus." Even though he talked about gifts A LOT the message did get through as much as possible for a 6 year old.
I wish I could give a great health report. The truth is, I haven't written in several weeks because I have been feeling really bad. It started Christmas Eve and most days since haven't been especially great. I've had some good days and good times during days but overall I am still dizzy much of the time. The nights have gotten worse and the days have actually been a little worse too. I finally found a way that I think describes how I go through the day... the next time you are doing something (brushing your teeth, eating a meal, cooking, shopping, playing with your kids, reading a book, working), stop what you're doing and spin (either standing or if you're in a chair that spins) about 10 times fast and then immediately resume what you were doing. That's pretty much how I feel all day, every day - sometimes it's as though I've just spun around once or twice and it's a dull dizziness; other times it's like I've spun around 20 times and it's crazy dizziness. When you do it, it wears off after a few seconds. With me that feeling lingers in my brain always. Hopefully that can give everyone a better idea of what I fight all day, every day just to function. Try it just as you're climbing in to bed to sleep. At night the spinning usually lasts about an hour before I can fall asleep. I'm not writing all this so you'll feel sorry for me. I just want to try and let you experience my world and understand when I say I'm dizzy all the time.
In addition to the dizzies not going away, my headaches have been much more frequent. My primary contact at Mayo, Dr. Staab, is conferring with my neurologist at Mayo this week. He feels we need a plan to address the headaches. Please pray with me that we will find an answer soon. I have been on Zoloft and have been doing my therapy for 12 weeks. To be where I am this far in is extremely frustrating for me and it's obviously taking it's toll on my family. I feel so bad for Jonathan - he's pulled in 100 directions between work, errands, groceries, kids' activities and all the other little things that come up. And my mom continues to do way more than her fair-share for us. She is always willing and says it's a blessing, but she's a human with physical needs for rest too! I totally understand now why the elderly will drive until they are completely blind and senile. Losing your independence and relying on others for so much is tough. The real blessing is I have become a savvy and pro at on-line shopping. People are shocked when I tell them I do everything but groceries on-line: toothpaste, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, soap, dog food, kids' clothes... imagine a life without stepping foot in Wal-Mart. That's my life and for that blessing I AM extremely grateful!
The kids are going through some health issues too. Beau has been in/out of doctor's offices for the past 5 months with chronic ear infections. They hurt so bad he sobs and throws up from the pain. It is crushing to see him suffer. He is having tubes re-inserted in his ears next week along with a tonsillectomy. This will put him out of school and "down" for 2 weeks. It will be well worth it but I feel sorry the little guy has to go through such a painful surgery. Lydia had her tonsils out 3 years ago so at least we know what to expect and we know the much-improved-health post-surgery is all worth it.
Lydia has had some on-going issues and we were recently referred to a doctor at LSU-Shreveport. In his 30+ years of practice he hasn't seen this. He said he's "puzzled" (his word) by Lydia's symptoms. So we have several tests and visits to Shreveport scheduled. Again, another stressor on Jonathan to take time off work to transport us all back and forth. Lydia's condition isn't life-threatening or painful but it could cause serious problems down the road if we don't find out what's going on.
So, that's life with the Gregory's - 3 out of 4 dealing with health issues and the 4th bearing the brunt of all of it. I am struggling with the spiritual aspect in all of this. I know God has a plan for us, I know God loves us. But I honestly don't wake up every day with a zip in my step and a song in my heart. I try and I pray fervently to keep the right perspective. I feel at peace that God doesn't expect me to whistle and smile my way through life. He knows this is tough. I picture myself in a violent storm where the rain is coming straight down and the wind is all around me. The sky is black and I can barely take a step forward because my boots are buried in the muck. It takes all of my energy to walk just a few steps and by the end of those days I am physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. But yesterday I visualized me flowing through a meadow in the bright sunshine. I was barefoot and floated along. That's not today's reality but I cling to the hope that it will be soon.
I know that so many of you continue to pray for us daily and it is overwhelming to know we are thought of so often. Please know that I still realize our problems are nothing compared to so many others. I know God is good and God loves us. But on those muddy, rainy days it just takes a little more energy and effort to remember that.
We had a good Christmas. We tried to scale back on gifts so that we could focus on the gift of Jesus. I can't say that we completely succeeded but I feel confident that we reminded our children enough that hopefully some of the message sunk in. Beau did pray often during the week of Christmas, "it's not about the gifts but it's about you Jesus." Even though he talked about gifts A LOT the message did get through as much as possible for a 6 year old.
I wish I could give a great health report. The truth is, I haven't written in several weeks because I have been feeling really bad. It started Christmas Eve and most days since haven't been especially great. I've had some good days and good times during days but overall I am still dizzy much of the time. The nights have gotten worse and the days have actually been a little worse too. I finally found a way that I think describes how I go through the day... the next time you are doing something (brushing your teeth, eating a meal, cooking, shopping, playing with your kids, reading a book, working), stop what you're doing and spin (either standing or if you're in a chair that spins) about 10 times fast and then immediately resume what you were doing. That's pretty much how I feel all day, every day - sometimes it's as though I've just spun around once or twice and it's a dull dizziness; other times it's like I've spun around 20 times and it's crazy dizziness. When you do it, it wears off after a few seconds. With me that feeling lingers in my brain always. Hopefully that can give everyone a better idea of what I fight all day, every day just to function. Try it just as you're climbing in to bed to sleep. At night the spinning usually lasts about an hour before I can fall asleep. I'm not writing all this so you'll feel sorry for me. I just want to try and let you experience my world and understand when I say I'm dizzy all the time.
In addition to the dizzies not going away, my headaches have been much more frequent. My primary contact at Mayo, Dr. Staab, is conferring with my neurologist at Mayo this week. He feels we need a plan to address the headaches. Please pray with me that we will find an answer soon. I have been on Zoloft and have been doing my therapy for 12 weeks. To be where I am this far in is extremely frustrating for me and it's obviously taking it's toll on my family. I feel so bad for Jonathan - he's pulled in 100 directions between work, errands, groceries, kids' activities and all the other little things that come up. And my mom continues to do way more than her fair-share for us. She is always willing and says it's a blessing, but she's a human with physical needs for rest too! I totally understand now why the elderly will drive until they are completely blind and senile. Losing your independence and relying on others for so much is tough. The real blessing is I have become a savvy and pro at on-line shopping. People are shocked when I tell them I do everything but groceries on-line: toothpaste, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, soap, dog food, kids' clothes... imagine a life without stepping foot in Wal-Mart. That's my life and for that blessing I AM extremely grateful!
The kids are going through some health issues too. Beau has been in/out of doctor's offices for the past 5 months with chronic ear infections. They hurt so bad he sobs and throws up from the pain. It is crushing to see him suffer. He is having tubes re-inserted in his ears next week along with a tonsillectomy. This will put him out of school and "down" for 2 weeks. It will be well worth it but I feel sorry the little guy has to go through such a painful surgery. Lydia had her tonsils out 3 years ago so at least we know what to expect and we know the much-improved-health post-surgery is all worth it.
Lydia has had some on-going issues and we were recently referred to a doctor at LSU-Shreveport. In his 30+ years of practice he hasn't seen this. He said he's "puzzled" (his word) by Lydia's symptoms. So we have several tests and visits to Shreveport scheduled. Again, another stressor on Jonathan to take time off work to transport us all back and forth. Lydia's condition isn't life-threatening or painful but it could cause serious problems down the road if we don't find out what's going on.
So, that's life with the Gregory's - 3 out of 4 dealing with health issues and the 4th bearing the brunt of all of it. I am struggling with the spiritual aspect in all of this. I know God has a plan for us, I know God loves us. But I honestly don't wake up every day with a zip in my step and a song in my heart. I try and I pray fervently to keep the right perspective. I feel at peace that God doesn't expect me to whistle and smile my way through life. He knows this is tough. I picture myself in a violent storm where the rain is coming straight down and the wind is all around me. The sky is black and I can barely take a step forward because my boots are buried in the muck. It takes all of my energy to walk just a few steps and by the end of those days I am physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. But yesterday I visualized me flowing through a meadow in the bright sunshine. I was barefoot and floated along. That's not today's reality but I cling to the hope that it will be soon.
I know that so many of you continue to pray for us daily and it is overwhelming to know we are thought of so often. Please know that I still realize our problems are nothing compared to so many others. I know God is good and God loves us. But on those muddy, rainy days it just takes a little more energy and effort to remember that.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Name Them One-by-One
There's an old hymn that Johnson Oatman, Jr. wrote in 1897. It goes, "Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings, see what God hath done!"
This morning Jonathan was looking for a particular button-down shirt and couldn't find it. He looked in my closet (where I hang the clothes that are washed and need to be ironed), he looked in his closet, the guest room closet and several bags he had recently used while traveling. He looked in the dryer, washer and all of the laundry baskets. I also went behind him for a cursory review of things. The shirt was gone. He left to take the kids to school and I went to iron the #2 choice shirt for the day. As I was getting the iron out of my closet I looked one more time in the "to be ironed" section of clothes and sure enough, tucked behind another shirt was the one we had been searching for.
How often has that happened to you? The thing you are searching for is right under your nose the entire time? And you've wasted a lot of energy and effort looking for it.
I've been thinking along those very same lines lately about my life. There are so many blessings right under my nose and I often look right past them. Since the horrific events that occurred last Friday in Newtown, CT, I think many of us have been challenged to take a closer look at how we view priorities in our lives. I have spent the last few mornings before school cuddling my babies as long as I could before they had to get ready. I have hugged, played and listened much more intently.
A few weeks ago our preacher, Bill, said "Don't let the urgent supersede the important." He was referring mostly to the hustle and bustle that comes with Christmas, but it's applicable to every day in our lives. Since we moved into our house 3 years ago we've wanted to do some remodeling - the kitchen, master bath and floors all need updating. But it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. We are blessed to have enough space, live in a safe neighborhood and have all the creature comforts we need. It would be nice to do some upgrades but I feel convicted to not complain about the current state of our home.
Yesterday I was at the Family Dollar and there was a lady with about 15 items in her buggy. I had a ton of stuff so I let her go in front of me even though I had already loaded most of my things on the checkout counter. She nervously watched as her items were scanned and she held a roll of quarters ($10) in her hand. She questioned the clerk a few times about some of the prices that rung up. She stopped the clerk before her buggy was empty. I told her not to worry, just to add my items to hers and I would take care of it. She about fell over. She exclaimed, "Thank you, Jesus, for sending an angel!" She cried and hugged me. This was over about $15 worth of merchandise. I can't imagine being so worried about spending $15. I'm not writing about this so you think I'm an angel. I want to share it because it profoundly impacted me. I take for granted that I can run to the Family Dollar on any given day and buy whatever I need (or want). I am BLESSED beyond what I even fathom.
I haven't done an actual count but I've probably had at least 50 different people do something nice for me or my family the past 14 months. It's incredible to consider that so many have made sacrifices, big or small, for me. Even the phone calls or cards that probably don't mean much to them are significant to me. I am extremely grateful for the blessing of loved ones in my life.
I am praying for so many people right now:
There are seasons when the blessings are tucked away in an obscure place and we have to search a little harder and be a little more creative in where we look. Other times - I'll even go out on a limb and say most times - the blessings are there right under our noses as we search and search and search without ever seeing them. We wake up every day with a choice. We can choose to see the clouds or we can find beauty in the sky that God hand-made no matter how stormy or ominous it looks.
I hope everyone reading this knows, believes and accepts what Christmas is really about. It's about Jesus Christ choosing to leave heaven and take on human form because he loves us that much.
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” ---Luke 2:10-12
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This morning Jonathan was looking for a particular button-down shirt and couldn't find it. He looked in my closet (where I hang the clothes that are washed and need to be ironed), he looked in his closet, the guest room closet and several bags he had recently used while traveling. He looked in the dryer, washer and all of the laundry baskets. I also went behind him for a cursory review of things. The shirt was gone. He left to take the kids to school and I went to iron the #2 choice shirt for the day. As I was getting the iron out of my closet I looked one more time in the "to be ironed" section of clothes and sure enough, tucked behind another shirt was the one we had been searching for.
How often has that happened to you? The thing you are searching for is right under your nose the entire time? And you've wasted a lot of energy and effort looking for it.
I've been thinking along those very same lines lately about my life. There are so many blessings right under my nose and I often look right past them. Since the horrific events that occurred last Friday in Newtown, CT, I think many of us have been challenged to take a closer look at how we view priorities in our lives. I have spent the last few mornings before school cuddling my babies as long as I could before they had to get ready. I have hugged, played and listened much more intently.
A few weeks ago our preacher, Bill, said "Don't let the urgent supersede the important." He was referring mostly to the hustle and bustle that comes with Christmas, but it's applicable to every day in our lives. Since we moved into our house 3 years ago we've wanted to do some remodeling - the kitchen, master bath and floors all need updating. But it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. We are blessed to have enough space, live in a safe neighborhood and have all the creature comforts we need. It would be nice to do some upgrades but I feel convicted to not complain about the current state of our home.
Yesterday I was at the Family Dollar and there was a lady with about 15 items in her buggy. I had a ton of stuff so I let her go in front of me even though I had already loaded most of my things on the checkout counter. She nervously watched as her items were scanned and she held a roll of quarters ($10) in her hand. She questioned the clerk a few times about some of the prices that rung up. She stopped the clerk before her buggy was empty. I told her not to worry, just to add my items to hers and I would take care of it. She about fell over. She exclaimed, "Thank you, Jesus, for sending an angel!" She cried and hugged me. This was over about $15 worth of merchandise. I can't imagine being so worried about spending $15. I'm not writing about this so you think I'm an angel. I want to share it because it profoundly impacted me. I take for granted that I can run to the Family Dollar on any given day and buy whatever I need (or want). I am BLESSED beyond what I even fathom.
I haven't done an actual count but I've probably had at least 50 different people do something nice for me or my family the past 14 months. It's incredible to consider that so many have made sacrifices, big or small, for me. Even the phone calls or cards that probably don't mean much to them are significant to me. I am extremely grateful for the blessing of loved ones in my life.
I am praying for so many people right now:
- A classmate of the kids' who has non-cancerous tumors on all of his vital organs. The ones on his brain are causing lots of seizures. His parents are struggling to get him the medical care he needs. It's a financial burden and they're having to take time off work to care for him. And so I'm thankful for the asthma and ear infections that my kids get. They are nothing compared to what this family is experiencing.
- A friend's child struggles with grades in school. She worries every week about how she's preparing him for tests and that she's doing enough for him. My kids don't struggle with schoolwork. Without having this friend to share her worries with me I would have taken Beau & Lydia's good grades for granted.
- A friend is in remission from cancer. He worries often that the tumor(s) will return. My dizziness and "quality of life" issues pale in comparison.
- The parents who are burying their children in CT this week. As I read the list of names and dates of birth I froze as I realized most of them were born in 2006, the same year as Beau & Lydia. My heart physically hurt. Those parents aren't "stressed" about making sure every gift is bought and wrapped or that they have the perfect thing to wear to the holiday party. Makes my worries about those things extremely petty.
There are seasons when the blessings are tucked away in an obscure place and we have to search a little harder and be a little more creative in where we look. Other times - I'll even go out on a limb and say most times - the blessings are there right under our noses as we search and search and search without ever seeing them. We wake up every day with a choice. We can choose to see the clouds or we can find beauty in the sky that God hand-made no matter how stormy or ominous it looks.
I hope everyone reading this knows, believes and accepts what Christmas is really about. It's about Jesus Christ choosing to leave heaven and take on human form because he loves us that much.
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” ---Luke 2:10-12
Merry Christmas from The Gregory's
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Father of All Time
For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do ---Ephesians 2:10
My sweet little daughter is an early bird. She would come down from her room at 5:00 every morning if I let her. For about a year now, the rule has been that she can’t come downstairs before 6:00. She has a Hello Kitty digital clock in her room so she can keep track. Sure enough, 95% of the mornings, at 6:00 I hear footsteps down the stairs. On weekdays she crawls in bed with me until we have to get up and get ready for school and on weekends she’s allowed to turn on TV. She told me that she often wakes early and watches the clock, counting down to 6:00. I had the bright idea a few days ago to adjust her clock by 20 minutes, allowing me a little more shut-eye (my mom thought this was cruel to keep her waiting longer but I just thought it was smart). So, the very next morning she came down when her clock said 6:00… it was 5:40 a.m. Yep, in all of my brilliance I adjusted the clock in the wrong direction. DUH! (My mom laughed at the irony). Anyway, I have since readjusted her clock and this morning I saw her sweet little face at 6:20. Success!
I often worry that I’m not doing everything God wants me to. I worry that I’m supposed to be serving somewhere or doing something. I pray and pray but still haven’t felt led to do any more than I already am. I wrote in my journal last week what I felt God saying during one of my conversations with him:
Be still and know… I will show you everything when the time is right. For now, study hard – my word, keep getting to know me, keep writing, keep deepening your thoughts and knowledge of me.
The incident with Lydia
I wonder how often David questioned God’s calling to be king during those years he ran for his life from King Saul. He wrote the Psalms so we get a glimpse into his thoughts during that time. I think David must have wondered if God would ever release him from his circumstances so he could fulfill his greater purpose. At other times I know David rested peacefully in God’s sovereignty:
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ---Psalm 139:16
I often think and ask, “I really thought you would use this horrible experience for good. But honestly, God, if I’m sitting here not serving, I’m not accomplishing anything for you. So, if you’ll just go ahead and let me get on with it, I think that would be great. So, what is it you want me to do?” By doing that I’m probably moving the clock in the WRONG direction, just like I did with Lydia
I have to continue to pray for God’s guidance and timing every day. I wish I could just pray it once and then move on. But the worries and anxiety that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to return fresh regularly. Just another goal to strive for while God whispers, "Nicole, all the days ordained for you were written in my book before one of them came to be. Why don't you just get through the one that's before you now and let me take care of the details of the ones to come? I've already prepared it all in advance. It really will be easier that way. I promise. You can trust me."
Other stuff
I had about 3 good weeks with lots of relief from the dizziness but for the past week I've been dizzy again. I e-mailed my doctor at Mayo and he assured me setbacks at this point are normal and that we're still on track. Even though I still don't feel good, this is very comforting and encouraging. I continue to be amazed by every aspect of the Mayo Clinic. I e-mailed my doctor at 2:42pm and he responded in detail at 3:06pm. I waited at a doctor's appointment with Beau today for 2 hours and yesterday at another doctor's office for 2 hours with him. If the world-renowned Mayo Clinic can run so efficiently, why can't other health care providers (that's a rhetorical question; I don't expect a response)? I shouldn't complain because I am so thankful for our insurance and access to good healthcare. But after I've seen it work so efficiently and that it can be done, it's hard to deal with anything less.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Stranger in a Strange Land
Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us ---1 Peter 2:11-12
I am getting out more and more these days - praise God! It's awesome, but it's also extremely WEIRD! I have flashbacks to movie scenes where someone was abducted by aliens, taken to outer space and put through an indescribable experience, then transported back to earth and popped straight back into their old life. They have so much to say to everyone in their lives but they can't get the words out right and since the people they are around didn't actually go through what they went through, they can't truly articulate everything they are feeling in a way that others can understand. That's me right now!
The only real-life thing I can liken it to is pregnancy. In the first trimester before I was showing I wanted to float around everywhere I went telling everyone my news. I didn't want a single stranger to see me and not know the exciting secret I was carrying. I wanted to hold a sign, to write it on my forehead, to tell everyone. In the moment I heard those 2 heartbeats inside me I was different; never to be the same person again. I was no longer Nicole the wife, I was Nicole the wife and mom. My role and who I was at the core was altered forever. And I wanted people to know it.
I ran into a friend the other day that I hadn't seen since before last October. She asked, "How have you been?" Now for any of you reading my blog for the past nine months how could I possibly answer that question in the 60-second time I had with her? I couldn't. I gave my standard response, "I'm good. I've been sick for over a year with Meniere's Disease. It's not life-threatening, but it is life-altering. I quit work, I rarely drive and I don't go places by myself. BUT, God has taken me on an incredible spiritual journey and He has stayed faithful and for that I am so grateful." It's like trying to write a novel on a post-it note. I worry that's not a good enough answer. Just like when I was pregnant I want the world to know that I am different. At 40 years old my slate has been cleaned and my frame of reference for everything I think, say and do is completely changed. When I read Paul's writings, I think he experienced that. He wanted everyone to know God's goodness and everything about God and what he had done in his life and at times it seemed he would burst if he couldn't tell people.
I realize that it will take time to tell my story and that my life will have to show for itself what God has done. And I struggle with that too. Because although God has cleansed my soul and changed my heart, he didn't take away any of my personality - I'm still stubborn, bossy, opinionated and Type A. So I'm learning to show who God is while trapped in this human, flawed body. I've joked with a few friends that I've met this year, "What if you don't like me when I'm well and you see who I really am?"
All Christians should struggle with our strange world. If we truly are changed, if God has really worked in our lives, we should want to shout our stories to the world. We should feel weird and uncomfortable walking around here. The challenge is how we do it. I've been to retailers when they are having some sort of promotion. All the employees are wearing buttons that say, "Ask me about our layaway options" or something along those lines. Maybe that's what I need to do. Create a button that says, "Ask me about the miracle that I experienced." Maybe not. I guess I'll keep thinking about it...
Other news
As I mentioned, I'm getting out more and it truly is incredible. Not only am I getting out more but I'm not having to fight through the times when I am out. Before when I was out I was still in a state of constant dizziness but now I'm having moments of clarity. Yesterday I ran too many errands and was really bad off last night and today. But the cool thing is days like yesterday help me learn my boundaries. And you know I wrote about having to put my kids on the bus to ride home and I felt God was making me give up yet another thing? As soon as I was obedient in that, I am now able to pick up my kids. Coincidence? Not likely. The really great thing is their teacher is so wonderful that she is giving me the flexibility to call the school if I am having a bad day and she will put them on the bus for me. It's a no-lose scenario.
I have felt God leading me into another project. I am putting together a "Joy in the Journey Resource Kit." It's a compilation of scriptures, books, bible characters and lessons that have helped me through the suffering I have been through. I continue to hear stories of people with medical conditions and diagnoses far worse than anything I could imagine. Perhaps through my experience I could share with them some things that helped me cope. It's just a few pages and I can mail it or e-mail it. If you know of someone who might need this, please let me know.
And finally, I am trying really hard this month to focus on Jesus and not "Christmas." It's hard to do. I especially want my kids to understand this is about Jesus and nothing else. Enjoy this month and don't let the stress of "Christmas" divert you from the real reason we should celebrate.
I am getting out more and more these days - praise God! It's awesome, but it's also extremely WEIRD! I have flashbacks to movie scenes where someone was abducted by aliens, taken to outer space and put through an indescribable experience, then transported back to earth and popped straight back into their old life. They have so much to say to everyone in their lives but they can't get the words out right and since the people they are around didn't actually go through what they went through, they can't truly articulate everything they are feeling in a way that others can understand. That's me right now!
The only real-life thing I can liken it to is pregnancy. In the first trimester before I was showing I wanted to float around everywhere I went telling everyone my news. I didn't want a single stranger to see me and not know the exciting secret I was carrying. I wanted to hold a sign, to write it on my forehead, to tell everyone. In the moment I heard those 2 heartbeats inside me I was different; never to be the same person again. I was no longer Nicole the wife, I was Nicole the wife and mom. My role and who I was at the core was altered forever. And I wanted people to know it.
I ran into a friend the other day that I hadn't seen since before last October. She asked, "How have you been?" Now for any of you reading my blog for the past nine months how could I possibly answer that question in the 60-second time I had with her? I couldn't. I gave my standard response, "I'm good. I've been sick for over a year with Meniere's Disease. It's not life-threatening, but it is life-altering. I quit work, I rarely drive and I don't go places by myself. BUT, God has taken me on an incredible spiritual journey and He has stayed faithful and for that I am so grateful." It's like trying to write a novel on a post-it note. I worry that's not a good enough answer. Just like when I was pregnant I want the world to know that I am different. At 40 years old my slate has been cleaned and my frame of reference for everything I think, say and do is completely changed. When I read Paul's writings, I think he experienced that. He wanted everyone to know God's goodness and everything about God and what he had done in his life and at times it seemed he would burst if he couldn't tell people.
I realize that it will take time to tell my story and that my life will have to show for itself what God has done. And I struggle with that too. Because although God has cleansed my soul and changed my heart, he didn't take away any of my personality - I'm still stubborn, bossy, opinionated and Type A. So I'm learning to show who God is while trapped in this human, flawed body. I've joked with a few friends that I've met this year, "What if you don't like me when I'm well and you see who I really am?"
All Christians should struggle with our strange world. If we truly are changed, if God has really worked in our lives, we should want to shout our stories to the world. We should feel weird and uncomfortable walking around here. The challenge is how we do it. I've been to retailers when they are having some sort of promotion. All the employees are wearing buttons that say, "Ask me about our layaway options" or something along those lines. Maybe that's what I need to do. Create a button that says, "Ask me about the miracle that I experienced." Maybe not. I guess I'll keep thinking about it...
Other news
As I mentioned, I'm getting out more and it truly is incredible. Not only am I getting out more but I'm not having to fight through the times when I am out. Before when I was out I was still in a state of constant dizziness but now I'm having moments of clarity. Yesterday I ran too many errands and was really bad off last night and today. But the cool thing is days like yesterday help me learn my boundaries. And you know I wrote about having to put my kids on the bus to ride home and I felt God was making me give up yet another thing? As soon as I was obedient in that, I am now able to pick up my kids. Coincidence? Not likely. The really great thing is their teacher is so wonderful that she is giving me the flexibility to call the school if I am having a bad day and she will put them on the bus for me. It's a no-lose scenario.
I have felt God leading me into another project. I am putting together a "Joy in the Journey Resource Kit." It's a compilation of scriptures, books, bible characters and lessons that have helped me through the suffering I have been through. I continue to hear stories of people with medical conditions and diagnoses far worse than anything I could imagine. Perhaps through my experience I could share with them some things that helped me cope. It's just a few pages and I can mail it or e-mail it. If you know of someone who might need this, please let me know.
And finally, I am trying really hard this month to focus on Jesus and not "Christmas." It's hard to do. I especially want my kids to understand this is about Jesus and nothing else. Enjoy this month and don't let the stress of "Christmas" divert you from the real reason we should celebrate.
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