The Giant

As some of you know, I'm reading my entire Bible, cover to cover.  I'm in Numbers and the Israelites just got denied entrance to the Promised Land because of their bad attitude.  I am learning so many life-lessons from these couple of chapters (Numbers 13 & 14).

That night all the members of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. ² All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, “If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this wilderness! ³ Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn’t it be better for us to go back to Egypt?” ⁴ And they said to each other, “We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt.”  ---Numbers 14:1-4

Here are these people who would rather choose a leader and go back to the land where they were slaves than move into a land "flowing with milk and honey" (Numbers 13:27).  We long for our former life of slavery.  I asked myself a monumentally difficult question this week: "If I could go back to a year ago and change what I've been through, would I opt out of Meniere's Disease?"  That has been an extremely thought-provoking process for me.  But when I think about the fruit it is bearing in my life, it's hard to say I would not want it.  But then there are days when I want to go back to the way things were - to my life of slavery.  A life where I always seemed to be scrambling for air.  I didn't have time for God back then (I didn't make time) but now I have an abundance of time to spend with Him.  I have gotten to know Him more intimately than I ever would have if I'd stayed a slave to my old life.  That is a very hard realization to come to and admit.  And part of my thought process has been "what if the Promised Land is another year away for me?  or 5 years?"  It's extremely difficult to fathom the answers to those questions. The Israelites struggled with it and so do I.

It's amazing how they (and I) forget that God's promises are real and trustworthy - period.  It doesn't matter if there will be a lack of meat, if there are giants or battles to fulfill His promises.  If he tells us He will do something, He's going to take care of the details - so long as we TRUST Him.  But each day we wake up and there's a new set of obstacles (or we don't feel well) and we forget that "He's got this."  The giants become bigger in our minds and He becomes smaller.  It should be the other way around - God should grow as our giants shrink.  Meniere's is my giant.  And every day I wake up and peek over the wall into the Promised Land.  And there in my Promised Land sits my Meniere's Disease.  Some days I slink back down the wall and worry about the giant.  My "giant" is formidable in my mind's eye.  Somewhere in the background is the milk and honey but I can't see it because the giant is there, looming largely and the longings for the life of slavery tug at me.

Our minds are wonderful and dangerous things.  Lydia is scared to death of a movie coming out next month:  Frankenweenie!  We talk about Frankenweenie A LOT around here (she obsesses over things she loves or things she's afraid of).  But you know what?  She knows nothing about the movie, nothing about the plot, nothing about the funny parts... she only knows about the visuals that she sees.  (And quite frankly they are a little creepy).

I've tried repeatedly to console her and tell her it's just a movie, that it's probably really cute and totally harmless.  I've tried to get her to watch a whole trailer with me instead of running and hiding when it comes on.  I've tried everything I can do to convince her that  Frankenweenie is safe.  I've asked her, "Would Mommy do anything to scare you?  Would I let anything bad happen to you? Doesn't Mommy always want the best for you?" And she always affirms that I am on her side.  But she has the idea in her head that it's scary and she wants no part of it.  Frankenweenie is a bit of a giant to Lydia these days.

Hmmmm... sounds like me and this Meniere's journey that I'm on.  I know God continually tries to comfort me and remind me that He will protect me, that He wants what's best for me and He won't let this harm me.  He asks me "Would I do anything to scare you?  Would I let anything bad happen to you? Don't I always want the best for you?" (sound familiar) but the ideas in my mind just tend to take control some days. 

And He puts milk and honey into my life every single day.  My husband, my kids, my mom, my friends, my ability to get myself out of bed, my schedule permitting me to spend a lot of time in prayer and study time, my comfortable bed and home, delicious food to eat, health insurance that covers my medical bills, the list goes on and on.

You may know what eventually happened to the Israelites who kept complaining.  Listen to what God says... 

“How long will this wicked community grumble against me? I have heard the complaints of these grumbling Israelites. ²⁸ So tell them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Lord, I will do to you the very thing I heard you say: ²⁹ In this wilderness your bodies will fall—every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census and who has grumbled against me. ³⁰ Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. ³¹ As for your children that you said would be taken as plunder, I will bring them in to enjoy the land you have rejected. ³² But as for you, your bodies will fall in this wilderness. ³³ Your children will be shepherds here for forty years, suffering for your unfaithfulness, until the last of your bodies lies in the wilderness. ³⁴ For forty years—one year for each of the forty days you explored the land—you will suffer for your sins and know what it is like to have me against you.’ ³⁵ I, the Lord, have spoken, and I will surely do these things to this whole wicked community, which has banded together against me. They will meet their end in this wilderness; here they will die.”  ---Numbers 14:27-35

Yikes!  The Israelites got their wish from verse 2.  God is MAD - sick of hearing them complain, sick of hearing them worry about his promises, sick of hearing them whine when He has the Promised Land in store for them.

Looks like I better quit my fussing and start enjoying the milk and honey in my life!  A great reminder can be found in Psalm 103:1-5...
¹Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

This is easily said and hard to do.  But I am trying.  Every day.  Some days it's harder than others, but I do believe that God acknowledges our attempts and has compassion for our tries.  My new prayer each morning is "God, help me to face this giant of Meniere's Disease.  Help me remember that your promise of milk and honey is trustworthy.  Please may I not grumble against you today." 

Thinking Outside the Box

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.  ---Psalm 25:16-17

It's been one of those weeks.  I've felt lonely, afflicted and in anguish as the Psalm says.  It seems "normal" days now are dizzy ones.  I don't like that.  I was so mad, sad, frustrated on Tuesday.  Lydia started back to gymnastics after taking the summer off.  I drove her there but it was all I could do to walk her in to the chaos of the facility and wait until class started so I could leave.  I was so freaked out and overstimulated.  As I stood (very anxiously) waiting for class to start one of the mom's motioned for me to sit in an empty chair beside her in the "spectator booth" and said, "Do you want to sit?"  I choked back a "No, I'm not staying."  I saw all those moms and grandparents and others sitting there and I thought, "God, why can't I even watch my little girl in her gymnastics class?  WHY????!!!!"  He didn't answer me.  Our sermon today was on contentment.  I listened from home.  I wrote in my notes:

I don't know how to be satisfied (content) with missing out on kids' activities :^(

Knowing that Mayo is 5 weeks away is making it a little tougher in some ways.  I'm not nervous or worried about the visit, just ready!  I'm so very guarded, probably to a fault, about my expectations of my trip.  I still want and pray for a miracle but then the whole "there is no cure" thing creeps back into my mind.

One area God is seriously working on me is regarding His methods and ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).  I've been pretty adamant for months that He is going to heal me, completely and divinely (for me that means no medicine or procedures, just His touch).  But this week I felt very convicted that He is God and he may in fact bring healing though doctors or medicine.  I have truly believed for months I would wake up one unsuspecting day and be healed from all my symptoms.  I have felt very strongly that nothing in this world would or could heal me.  But this week I've felt God telling me to let him be GOD!  I've put him into a little box and labeled it "My Divine Miracle"... but I now realize that he can choose any way he wants to bring about healing.  Just like someone would be short-sighted for not believing he could work a divine miracle and only depend on medicine, I have been totally in the wrong. 

I was reading in Acts 28 this week.  It's when Dr. Luke (the author of Acts) and Paul were shipwrecked on the island of Malta.  Here's an excerpt of one event:
⁷ There was an estate nearby that belonged to Publius, the chief official of the island. He welcomed us to his home and showed us generous hospitality for three days. ⁸ His father was sick in bed, suffering from fever and dysentery. Paul went in to see him and, after prayer, placed his hands on him and healed him. ⁹ When this had happened, the rest of the sick on the island came and were cured. ---Acts 28:7-9

It struck me as very odd that Paul would go in to see Publius' sick father.  Luke, the author of the story, was a doctor.  I thought why wouldn't the doctor go in to heal the man?  And I felt God say, "There you go, putting me and what I can do into a box again.  I can heal people through doctors or disciples or in any method that I choose.  Not only that, but after I used Paul to heal the man, others came to see him as well and I used Paul on that island to reach others."

Of course, I don't know what will happen at the Mayo Clinic.  I have no clue what the doctors will say.  They may tell me to keep doing what I'm doing with my vestibular rehabilitation therapy (VRT) or they may tell me that the nerve section surgery is what they recommend.  At this point, as I wait (as patiently as I can) I am praying for God to keep me grounded and focused on His abilities in all things and in all ways.  I think I feel the emotions of Psalm 25 because I realize I need to be open to whatever he has in store and that may involve changing my current mentality.  It makes me very uneasy.

But it's time for me to take a limitless God out of the neat little box in which I've placed him and let His majesty be revealed.  No matter what, the glory for this journey I'm on will be His.

I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  ---Psalm 57:9

Feet Washing

From John 13:
¹It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love... ⁴ so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵ After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
⁶ He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
⁷ Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
⁸ “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
⁹ “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”...
¹² When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³ “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. ¹⁴ Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Feet Washing at our house
I'm a little quirky.  I don't like going to bed with dirty feet so I wash them (or at least wipe them down) before bed.  The other night Lydia was in the bath and I asked her if I could just stick my feet in right before she got out.  She thought that was hilarious.  She then so sweetly asked me, "Mama, can I wash your feet?"  With her sweet little 6-year-old hands she lathered up a wash cloth and gently rubbed my feet.  Then she rinsed them.  When she was done washing she said, "Mama, will you wash my feet?"  And of course, I did.  I thought of Jesus and how sweet this activity was; how there was so much more meaning to it than she could understand.

I told her that Jesus washed his disciples' feet before He died.  After the bath we got out her bible and found the story in John 13.  We also read the story in John 12 where Mary washed Jesus' feet.  Lydia found the part about Mary using her hair particularly noteworthy.  She also thought it was funny when Peter panicked and told Jesus to wash his hands and head too.  The next day she said, "Remember when that guy told Jesus to wash his whole body?" 

She enjoyed the feet washing so much that we did it the next night.  Her little hands were so loving and gentle as she washed and rinsed my feet.  She even giggled one time as she pretended to use her hair.

In the next couple of days I read about some of the other times that feet washing occurred in the New Testament (Matthew 26, Mark 14 and probably my favorite account of the prostitute washing Jesus' feet in Luke 7).  After reading I pondered and prayed.  I asked God to reveal to me the lesson I could learn from this experience and from His word.  I thought about it for a few days.  I finally felt Him tell me that I should take it for what it is.  There are so many things to learn from these episodes... and I was looking for some hidden meaning. 

Having my feet washed in such a sweet and gentle way would be exactly how Jesus would have done it.  It's an example of service, humility and grace.  Jesus tells us that we are blessed if we do these things (v. 17).  He never instructs us to do something that He hasn't done or wouldn't do.  That's the sign of a great leader - one who leads by example.  I also love what we get from the accounts of Mary and the prostitute. They used expensive perfume to lavish on Jesus.  They did not hold out on Him.  I guiltily thought about how often I give Jesus my leftovers (of my time, money, resources) instead of giving Him my best.

I love that the prostitute used her tears.  I can picture the scene - such emotion - love, joy, gratitude.  Although she had a lot of baggage and much to be ashamed of, she went without reservation.  She offered up what she could give.  I know there have been times when I've just felt too guilty or too ashamed to even pray.  Jesus loves us, flaws and all.  It's at the times of our sin when we need to approach him with humility and thanks, pouring out our tears and all we have.  If we wait until we're perfect we'll never approach Him.

It also dawned on me that Jesus would do this for ANYONE.  For a day or so whenever I thought about someone or saw someone I tried to remind myself that Jesus would have done it for that person.  It gave me a whole new perspective on things - forcing me to look at others the way Jesus would.  He would wash the feet of a homeless person just as he would a millionaire.  He would wash the feet of someone without any physical defects just as he would someone who was scarred and broken.  He would wash the feet of someone who drives me nuts or makes me mad.  His lens is so different from mine.  How different the world would be if we could always see people through his eyes.  For the times when I made the conscious effort to think about him washing a certain person's feet, I did have more compassion and feeling for them.  It was strange and such a great exercise.
I hope Lydia continues to want to do this for me and allows me to do it for her.  Just like Peter, she doesn't fully understand now what it all means, but I hope that she will keep reading her bible and one day soon she will know. 

Just Believe

In Mark 5:36 Jesus tells a ruler of the synagogue, Jairus, to "Just Believe" when Jairus thinks that his daughter has just died.

"Jesus told the synagogue ruler, 'Don't be afraid; just believe'."

Just Believe...

As I wrote previously, the last couple of weeks haven't been so hot.  I kept trying to focus on Jesus and not the storm but it was very difficult.  Every time I tried to read, pray or think my brain would do a flip-flop and jolt me away from coherent thoughts.  Don't take this the wrong way, but it's honestly like trying to study for a test or drive or do some other task that requires thinking while being drunk.  I don't know how else to describe how my brain is working these days.  And I kicked the awful medicine over a month ago.  I'm only taking 2 non-narcotic, very mild prescriptions every day... so I'm not "under the influence" of anything.  Anyway... that's what it feels like. 

So, maybe you can better understand how when I have bad days it's nearly impossible to not think about my condition.  If you've ever had a toothache or backache or earache you know how hard it is to focus on anything but the pain.  I kinda feel the same way.  I'm not just wallowing in the pity of my condition; I truly cannot think straight without my brain going mushy.

I was recently journaling and reading and came across this story of Jairus.  I've read it before but Jesus' words, "Just Believe" resonated.  I was going through my frustrations and failings that I couldn't do much for Him and He assured me that all I have to do is believe.  That's it.  I don't have to try and be fancy.  I don't have to run out and serve people when I have a mush brain.  I don't have to act like I'm ok or that I'm not angry sometimes.  I don't have to be super-wife or mom.  I don't have to get all the answers and have His roadmap for when this will all end.  My role is quite simple, "Just Believe."  What a relief.  In the midst of my mush-brain I can still do that... believe.

Here's how I envision my conversations with Jesus some days:
Me: Today I feel terrible and want to cry all day.
Jesus:  Just Believe
Me:  I don't feel like worshipping and praying.
Jesus:  Just Believe
Me:  My suffering and frustration run too deep to have any joy.
Jesus:  Just Believe
Me: I thought you were going to do great things through this trial.
Jesus:  Just Believe
Me: My husband and kids need me and I can't even care for them.  I'm really mad!
Jesus:  Just Believe
Me: Modern medicine says there's no cure for Meniere's disease.
Jesus:  Just Believe

Beau lost his 7th tooth this week.  He was pumped.  He's so fortunate... he always has these low-drama-teeth-falling-out-while-he's-eating moments.  Lydia's always have to be pulled and always come with loads of unnecessary (in my opinion) drama and blood.  Anyway, that night Beau got ready for the tooth fairy and I just thought, how can they believe in this?  Can they seriously think some little fairy flies into their room and collects their teeth and leaves them money?  There are so many problems with this: 1) how can one fairy visit so many kids in one night (kinda like Santa) 2) why would we let a creepy fairy into our house 3) how can a teeny fairy cart off a tooth 4) what does she do with all those nasty teeth 5) how does she happen to have all those quarters/dollars/candy on hand 6) why do some kids get WAY more than $1 per tooth, including candy, treats and other kinds of goodies? There are more issues I'm sure, but you get the picture.

But a child doesn't think through all of these issues.  He just believes.  Believing is the most simple act.  It's when we start to ask questions and apply logic that it gets complicated and difficult.  Believing is so much easier.  As Christians we have to "just believe" - think Jonah, Noah, every part of Jesus' ministry... it's like we can accept those things but when it gets personal we try and complicate it.

How does it end for Jairus?  Read Mark 5:37-42
³⁷ He [Jesus] did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. ³⁸ When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. ³⁹ He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” ⁴⁰ But they laughed at him.
After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. ⁴¹ He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). ⁴² Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished.

I believe that I will be healed.  I believe that I will be restored, will be able to serve and function again.  I do.  But I certainly get side-tracked with my what-if's? and hows?  and I-don't-want-tos. But Jesus says don't worry about all that... Just Believe!

Stormy Seas

<sup>Matthew 14: 27-33
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

I was reading this familiar story last night and something hit me.  I cannot take my eyes off of Jesus when the storm starts to blow.  I'm sure you're thinking "Duh! you didn't know that Nicole?"  And I do know that, but I just can't seem to put it into practice.

I know most of you can't keep up with how I'm doing.  I never know from day-to-day.  I try not to just write on and on and on about the bad days and how I still have them quite often.  So, I usually just omit most of that stuff.  I'll tell you, last week was not good.  I felt awful again.  I couldn't even sleep - there was no escape from the roller coaster.  If I wasn't lying awake in bed rocking back and forth then I was dreaming I was on a carnival ride, cruise ship and even a homemade airplane one fitful night.

The last week or so my brain has felt like it was trying to push out through the top and sides of my skull.  There is so much pressure and it just keeps me rocking.  I did feel well enough to go walking yesterday and I had to be very deliberate about my steps.  I kept veering off to the right and had to focus intently to keep myself walking a straight line.  I'm glad you can't get a WUI (walking under the influence) because I surely would have been stopped had an officer seen me walking along.

So, the storm keeps raging on all around me.  It comes and goes... sometimes its a tropical depression, sometimes it's a Category 3 hurricane.  And I hate to admit but on the days when I just feel bad, like I don't want to do anything I catch myself looking at the storm and not keeping my eyes fixed steady on Jesus... and then I sink.  And for me, it's an emotional sinking.  I lose heart and lose drive.  I can say that I never, ever give up hope that He's working in me.  Deep down I always still believe that.  But I let the wind and waves obstruct my vision and clarity.  And I don't know the answer.  But I will keep trying. 

Now I know that this is such a struggle (now that it has hit me between the eyes) I can at least work harder against it.  I can sing, pray and read more on those days - even though those are the last things I want to do.  I can visualize myself on the waves (and since I usually feel that I'm on some unsteady surface that's easy) and look through the storm and stay intent on the face of Jesus.  It's like when I go out to give our dog, Gator, a Milk Bone and he knows I have it in my hand he will not budge.  He won't look to the left, right, up, down.  The kids can come out and play and he will not move.  He's afraid if he acknowledges the distractions then he will miss out on his Milk Bone.  Nothing can make that dog change his gaze because he wants the treat, the reward, that badly.  That's the same deliberation I need to have during the storms and distractions, on the bad days.  I've got to look to my Master and forget the things going on around me.

If only the things God revealed to us were easy to put into action.  But then we would never become more like Christ if life was easy and we would not cherish the good days without the bad.

I'm in my 10th month of "refinement." I will be at my Mayo Clinic appointment on my Meniere's one-year anniversary... whoopee!  As of right now, we'll be flying out on October 11th.  I have appointments on Friday, Monday and Tuesday and we'll fly home that afternoon, the 16th.  Jonathan has been telling me how badly he wants the two of us to get away together.  He told me a few weeks ago I could pick the place.  Guess what honey?  We're going to Rochester, Minnesota!  We will have the weekend to ourselves so I'm looking for something low-key yet fun to do.  We'll be about an hour from Minneapolis so I'm sure we can find something.

Thank you for still praying.  I feel your prayers.  Even though I have bad days I feel an overwhelming sense of peace and purpose in all of this.

I'll close with two little nuggets that I got from my 6-year-old son this week:
1) Two nights ago, I put Beau in the shower and went to get washed up for bed myself. I went back to get him out and he was dancing around with his hair bone dry (he should have been ready to get out). I was exhausted so this jumped all over me.
Me (furiously and exasperated): "What on earth have you been doing in here?!"
Beau: "beats me"
My first nugget: I don't want to give God an answer like that when He asks what I've been doing with this training time and the resources He has given me.

2) Last night the kids and I were upstairs kneeling at the bed ready to pray when Beau heard Jonathan walking up the stairs.  He said, "Daddy's coming!"

My second nugget: Jesus will return.  How joyful it would be for him to find me on my knees when He comes!</sup>

Mayo Appointment Scheduled & Other Stuff

Great News!  We heard from Mayo.  My appointments (3 days worth) will be in mid-October.  We are working on arrangements now and I will definitely give an update when we've firmed up everything.  It's amazing how this "clinic" works.  I have a total of 7 different appointments/assessments/tests over the 3 day period.  My friend asked me how I feel about it all and I'm mostly very thankful - VERY thankful.  Of course I'm also a little nervous (not worried or scared) just nervous about the rigorous schedule, traveling and the tests I'll go through.

My friend sent me this scripture:
"The steps of a good man (or woman) are ordered by the Lord..." ---Psalm 37:23

That verse gives me comfort about the trip and the appointments and everything that will take place during and the outcome of the visit.  I will definitely update again soon when we get things ironed out and give you much more detail about the whole process.

Some even more great news!  In the past week I have been grocery shopping, out to lunch, to Jackson and to church today (BIG DEAL)! 


Going to Church!

AND I even DROVE the kids and me to the park and to Orange Leaf this week.  WOW WOW WOW!!!!  I have been praising God for every one of these milestones.

I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  ---Psalm 57:9-10

I took a "balance test" at St. Francis on Wednesday afternoon.  I ACED it!!!  :^)  They tested me using a pretty high-tech machine that simulates motion and movement; it made the floor move under me, it made the walls of the machine move around me... all the while I had to stay as still as possible.  I scored much higher than peers in my age group.  I chalk this up to two things: 1) the power and might of God and the healing He is doing in me 2) my therapist, Summer, who has worked me these last 4 months doing exactly what I needed to so I could straighten my balance (and I know that Summer gifted God and sent me to her)!  I probably would have fallen over numerous times had I taken the test 4 months ago before I started vestibular rehab therapy (VRT).

I will praise you forever for what you have done.  ---Psalm 53:9

Summer is over.  The Summer of 2012 that I was dreading just a few months ago.  It has been the most fun, fulfilling summer that I can remember.  The kids and I spent so much quality time together.  I am going to miss them terribly when they are not here with me.  I'm a little melancholy tonight as I write.  First grade tomorrow.  I cannot believe it.  I blinked and 6 years went by.  sigh...

I am praying for the teachers, administrators and other school workers in my circle of friends and loved ones... and for some outside my circle.  For the next 9 months these people will spend almost as much time with my kids as I do so I believe that covering them in prayer is vital.  I spent time in Beau & Lydia's Kindergarten class last year and have seen first-hand just a teeny-tiny glimpse of what a teacher endures in a day (love you Mrs. Parks!) and I cannot fathom how they do it.  I am amazed and humbled by their calling.  To all you teachers, administrators and school personnel (active and retired) thank you for using your skills, talents and love to impact the lives of our future generation.

Keep on keeping on for rejoicing comes in the morning!!!!

Legacy

I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.  Psalm 34:1

I love music.  I'm moved by it and find power in words and melodies.  I don't sing well but I still do it at the top of my lungs.  I often am inspired or convicted by certain songs.  One of my favorites is "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman.  It's old - I think it came out in 2006, but the words are powerful and her voice is beautiful.  Here's a link to a YouTube video with the music and lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3GxmLaaAwg

Here are just the lyrics if you don't want to listen (although you should, it's beautiful):

Legacy by Nichole Nordeman

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologeticallyAnd leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

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I often think of parents and kids when I hear the word legacy.  But leaving a legacy doesn't just apply to parents.  It applies to all of us and extends beyond the impact we have on our families.  If someone surveyed people in your life and asked for three words to describe you, what would people say?
Sweet, kind, patient, happy, honest, hard-working, faithful, friendly, a great mom/dad/daughter/son/wife/husband...

All of those are worthy attributes and we should strive to be those things.  Would anyone describe you as a woman or man of God?  A prayer warrior?  A humble servant?  Someone who "blesses God's name apologetically"?

What kind of mark do you want to leave?  After watching 2 weeks of the Olympics, so many athletes in interviews say they want to be remembered as the best in their sport.  And they leave their marks... for a while.  But the marks they leave do not impact eternity.  Not that their goals and achievements aren't special or important and some of them do use their athletic abilities as a platform to share Jesus.  But by the next Olympics (or maybe the one after) only a small percentage are still talked about or still competing.  The gold, silver and bronze "trinkets" they received will one day get lost, boxed up or fade away somehow.

Ever since I've been a member of North Monroe Baptist, I can think of a humble servant who has rocked bed babies week after week, year after year.  She is the sweetest, quietest, humblest lady and she consistently and faithfully rocks those babies.  She's rocked mine and she's rocked countless others.  It's not a glamorous role, it's not one that most people clamor to have, it doesn't bring her notoriety... but it has allowed hundreds of parents over the years to be able to attend church activities.  She is leaving her legacy on so many families; I'm sure she has no idea the impact she has.

We don't have to speak to stadiums or win Olympic medals to leave a legacy... we have to use the gifts God has given us faithfully and joyfully.

I feel so convicted to do more with my time here than just survive and keep doing what I'm doing.  I want people to call me a woman of God, someone who blessed his name "apologetically."  Every challenge we face, every bad day we have, every obstacle, every hurt - all chances to affect our legacies.  If you're in the valley now, make a choice.  Choose to discover how God wants to use your current pain to impact someone else for His glory.  This life is short and we only have one chance.  If you're faithfully serving, know that God IS using you for His kingdom.  You may not always feel like it, but if you are faithful to Him and the call on your life, then you are right where He wants you.

Now for the dizziness update and a new prayer request...
I went to the new ENT in town today b/c I'm having recurring sinus pressure in my cheeks and head.  I do have some swelling so I am back on antibiotics for 2 weeks.  I also discussed my frequent migraines with him.  He speculated that I MAY have vestibular migraines... these migraines affect the guess what?  VESTIBULAR nerve.  You know, the one that controls the body's balance function.  He is trying me on a medication to see if it helps with my migraines AND my dizziness.  I feel very torn.  I am excited that there may be a stone we have not overturned but I'm VERY apprehensive about taking new medicine.  I have been off of the other "dizzy-medicine" (as I call it) for two and a half weeks.  I've been overjoyed to not be taking meds for my dizziness and now he's wanting me to try new meds.  This one isn't so much for the dizziness as it is to control the blood vessels around my vestibular nerve.  It shouldn't drug me up or sedate my brain like the other one but I'm still wary.  Anyway, please pray that if this is not the right direction I will know immediately and quit taking the medicine.

As always, thank you for the prayers, love, calls, texts, cards, messages... they mean more than you could ever know!